


If I Had...

by No_Bark



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Bottom Oh Sehun, Comfort/Angst, Drama, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22216033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_Bark/pseuds/No_Bark
Summary: A Sad Fuck and an Edgelord.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun
Comments: 48
Kudos: 58





	1. Your Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> A spin-off to my sister baekilui's Take You Home. You don't have to read this in order to understand it or read it to understand this.
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/21467383/chapters/51159418

The school year doesn't start so well.

First off, Jun is way too tired and the summer holiday was way too short. He worked at GameStop for the last month and hated every minute of it. Of course, working in an environment surrounded by video games was more than fascinating, but the customers were horrendous. Jun saw fathers coming into the shop with their younglings and buying a game that was way too gore for a 13-year-old. It was his job to sell, not help the parents raise their kids.

Racists were definitely Jun's favorite. He smiled through the pain when a prepubescent boy squinted his eyes and "said something in Chinese" after showing his middle finger because Jun wouldn't sell him Dead Space. Jun laughed as hard as he could. He was no angel when it came to following age restrictions on video games, but he was not selling horror games to children.

The fact that he endured that for a whole month amazes him. This is the first time he could hold a job for that long and now he has enough money for a PlayStation! It feels all the more worth it when he worked hard to earn it.

Instead of skipping the first day of school and staying in bed the whole day, he was forced to attend. His single-mother was not having it today and practically dragged him out of bed and drove him to school.

_ "When is your practice-"  _ Jun overhears someone say on the other side of the lockers, right around the corner. There's not a lot of people in the hallway at the moment, most are outside or still at the cafeteria. Jun was supposed to join his two and only friends outside but he didn't feel like it, so instead he went to his locker to take his sketchbook.

After the last sentence he hears a slap.

_ "Sehun, what have I told you about talking to me at school?"  _ He doesn't hear a reply, just another slap.  _ "Don't even look at my direction." _

_ "Jeez! I was just gonna ask when are you coming home tonight! Why do you always have to be such a dick?"  _ Jun recognizes the voice as Shaun, the bully who he 'bullies' back... but that's debatable. That's just what Chanyeol thinks.

_ "And why do you have to be so annoying? Why do you always have to bother me?" _

_ "I haven't even breathed in your direction in the last-"  _ And another slap.

_ "Bother me again and I'll do the same as last time." _

He hears steps walking away before the other person around the corner takes a deep breath.

And then walks in this direction.

Shaun completely freezes before Jun as they lock eye contact. His eyes look a little glossy but Jun doesn't care. This bitch has been treating him like utter shit for the whole last year. He picks up on everyone who is weaker than him, everyone who's alone. Jun isn't alone... usually. But when he is, Shaun is always there to give him company, even if it's not the most wanted.

They glare at each other as soon as their eyes meet. Shaun's eyes are completely void of color. Jun has never seen anyone with  _ such  _ grey eyes. And his skin is light, but his hair black, slightly covering his face. He always has an athletic outfit, of course, most of the students in Concord High School in New Hampshire are athletic since the school is the perfect place to hone one's kinematic skills. Jun isn't a part of a minority just because he's Asian.

And now his suspicions have been answered. Shaun never did look like he was completely caucasian.

"I didn't know you're half-Korean, Sehun," Jun says while holding his backpack tight. "Seems we have more in common than I thought."

"Don't call me that! It's not any of your business!" Shaun screams while clenching his fists. The rest of his face is getting almost as red as the mark on his cheek. The person who slapped him wasn't gentle.

"Who were you talking to?"

"No one!"

"Come on, I thought we were friends." Shaun squints and starts flailing his hands.

"What gave you that impression?! I'm not your friend!" he stomps his feet. One could ask if Jun is getting some kind of satisfaction out of Shaun's theatrical reactions and the answer would be yes. 100 percent.

"You asked him when he was coming home... Do you have a big brother here?" Jun keeps pestering, but Shaun keeps stomping his feet.

"Well... Maybe! But he's a prick!"

"Seems to run in the family," Jun states and Shaun clenches his fists. "I can't believe we knew each other for a whole year before I found out you have a brother."

"Well, he would rather not want anybody to know that we're related. He's a bitch like that."

"What will he do if he finds out I know?" Jun asks. Shaun starts visibly shaking as he looks up at the ceiling.

"Nothing. He wouldn't do anything."

"When you say it like that it sounds like he would do something. Is he embarrassed of you?" Jun asks but Shaun shakes his head. He glares at the junior again before storming off without saying another word.

Jun doesn't know when it became like that. He almost feels bad for making it seem like he's the bad guy here... But Shaun started it. He's the bully here.

Jun makes his way outside to his friends anyway. He really doesn't care for their company at the moment but would rather not be alone after that weird encounter with the sophomore student. His friends are sitting at the benches and basking in the sunlight. Ana is 'not like other girls' - her hair is colored in all kinds of weird colors, said she was inspired by scene fashion on Tumblr. Jun has never been particularly active online, but he does have a Tumblr blog as well - just because Ana told him to make one. It's just filled with reposts of some video games and anime posts. Definitely filled with big tits.

Ana's eyes are rounded with thick, black makeup and she rarely goes anywhere without her eye contacts. So her eyes are always some crazy color, like very piercing blue, pink, white, yellow... So much so that Jun has forgotten what color her eyes actually are. She's very skinny and wears a black t-shirt with a skull and bright pink and blue flowers on it. She has black shorts with a chain hanging from them.

Then there's Calvin, with his big, black eyeglasses and curly brown hair. He is a little heftier than his two friends, slightly overweight but not obese. He's always wearing an attire that looks like his mom picked it - which she probably did.

There are five things uniting the three of them: video games, computers, anime, sarcasm and irony. They've been friends since the very first day of middle school and their friendship has only grown stronger, even so much that the two males have lost their virginity to Ana. It was safe, consensual, between friends, experimental and hasn't completely fucked up their friendship, since none of them have that kind of feelings for each other - or feelings in general.

They have even tried threeway and Jun must admit that it was one of the best experiences in his whole life.

Ana looks up at him and pats the place on her right. Calvin is sitting on the left, reading manga from his new iPhone. It's absurd to Junmyeon that someone can pay so much for a phone. He just uses his Nokia. Why would he spend so much money on a device that can do literally the same things as his computer? 

"What's up, bitches?" Jun asks as he sits down. His brown hair is getting in his eyes a little bit, but just a little bit. Most of his hair is pulled back. 

"Light brown," Ana says. Jun raises an eyebrow at this.

"Light brown?"

"You should totally dye your hair light brown," she says and pulls a strand of hair behind Jun's ear.

"Why?"

"You would look like a total fuckboy."

"I... doubt it."

"Doesn't hurt to try," she shrugs. Jun squints.

"I'm pretty sure it would, you've complained about bleaching more than once."

"Well, yeah, but I've done it wrong. Do as I say, not as I do."

"I'm not going through that pain. Besides, I have more important matters to spend my money on."

"Like a..." Ana playfully puts her arm around his neck. "Waifu body pillow?"

"Like a waifu body pillow," Jun says. "But seriously, I came out here because Shaun was inside and it seems no matter where I go, someone's always bothering me."

Ana hmps and takes her arm off him.

"Good. I shall attend to my drawings," Jun says as he whips his sketchbook out and starts sketching. Unfortunately it's a bit uncomfortable when Ana keeps staring at him...

***

The cold air fills his lungs unfiltered as he gasps for breath, mouth gaping open and muscles aching. He can feel vomit climbing up his gullet and his stomach is in knots. He's sweating profusely, and he just washed this white shirtless top... It glues onto his skin when his back is completely soaked by sweat. Even his vision is blurring.

He's been running for an hour now and he's finally coming back to his home. Running while listening to music always helps him deal with his emotions that are negative most of the time.

Nobody's home yet. His father and brother are both out so he has to use his own keys to open the front door and make his way up the stairs into the shower.

He takes all his wet clothes off before standing before the mirror on the wall, naked, just observing his own body. Most girls would love to have a boyfriend with a body like this. Most men would kill to have a body like this. His muscles are fine, now wet from his own bodily fluids. His lower body is slightly more muscular than his upper body, making him look even slimmer on the waist.

He doesn't particularly love his body, nor does he hate it. It just is. It just happens to be like this because playing basketball and running are his only escape from this horrible place. His black hair is glued to his forehead and his grey eyes are indifferent.

He immediately turns the shower to burning hot and lets it pour on him. It burns, it hurts, but it hurts so good. It stings the right way. Then he turns the water ice cold and it stings. He has to gasp for air because of how the ice cold water feels against his skin.

_ Sehun. _

He turns the water burning again and grunts. His skin is red.

If Jun tells his Korean name forward, he's not sure he can handle it.

Ice cold water again. Now is the time for soap.

And burning hot once it's time to rinse off.

It hurts just right.

He comes out of the shower and stands before the mirror again, naked, dripping wet. He crouches a little and immediately frowns when the image in the mirror does not please him.

If only he was smaller. He would fit so right in the arms of the man of his dreams. If he was small and cute, the guy would surely want him, right? The guy would surely go gay for him. Even Chanyeol has a hot, protective boyfriend who's willing to bash Shaun's face in if he hurts the big eyed senior, even though he's taller than the sophomore. Shaun is 6 feet tall, way too muscular to even be considered 'cute' and his face is nowhere near as innocent looking as Chanyeol's. He is what most people would describe as 'hot' but he never hears someone sigh after him because he's so cute. 

He walks closer to the mirror and tries to mimic the expression Chanyeol most often has on his face. He opens his eyes more, because they always look bored. In Jack's words, he looks like a bitch. He raises his eyebrows a little and gapes his mouth slightly open before trying to smile innocently. The corners of his mouth are slightly upward and it makes him look adorable, he thinks, but it looks and feels unnatural. He's using face muscles that he didn't even know he has. Nothing pleases him, however, he just looks so fake. So instead of doing anything about it, he just shakes his head and goes back to looking like he was about to murder someone. He'll never look as cute as Chanyeol. 

Looking at himself in the mirror is draining his energy too much so he tries to forget about it. He wraps his towel around his waist, rushes over to his room to put on a pair of cute light blue boxer briefs, pastel orange colored bunny socks, grey sweatpants and a pastel pink sweatshirt. He hides himself under his boring dark blue blanket and takes Mister Bunny from under his mattress. It's a small, pink bunny plushie that Shaun hugs whenever he feels this way.

And he hugs it tight.


	2. The Intellect

Jun is walking through the hallway, all alone. His friends are both sick today, just his luck. Maybe the three of them shouldn't have been out so late at night yesterday, and maybe the two of them should get a better immune system. They're always sick, but Jun never even has a flu.

It's not that he completely hates being alone in school... he just hates it when Shaun keeps bothering him. And his cousin. Although lately Chanyeol hasn't been complaining about Shaun just as much, he's too busy talking about Baekhyun, whoever that is. Apparently he is some kind of a bad boy. It has recently come to Jun's attention that Chanyeol isn't as sweet and innocent as he lets on...

The sky is dark. Looks like it's going to rain soon. Jun came to school by foot today, hopefully his mother can pick him up. If she is available, of course, which she usually isn't. Who knew being a nurse would be so time consuming, so much so that she doesn't have time for her only child. They used to be closer, but puberty has hit Jun good. The want to be independent only grows stronger by each passing day, even though he knows he wouldn't be able to live on his own.

Yet.

But soon he'll have treatment that will work. He's hopeful of that. Hopeful of feeling something other than irritation, boredom and nothing again.

Just as he's about to pass the bridge between this world and the world inside his head, someone slides right beside him. Like literally glues himself onto his side. Why the bully is such an attention seeker will probably always be a mystery.

"How's it knowing that your mother never wanted you?" Shaun asks, his eyes glued on the bored teenager who sighs. If he wasn't standing alone and if the passing students knew him, maybe he wouldn't have to be a target of this attention-seeking jock. It's not that he makes Jun upset, it's just that he's a little annoying. Shaun never beats up people and Jun isn't afraid of what cannot hurt him... physically.

"Do you know what projection means?" Jun wonders.

"No," Shaun replies honestly. Jun rolls his eyes.

"You just come up to people and ask them questions, trying to find out if you'll find out something,  _ anything _ , that will make them react somehow?"

"Yes."

"So what if I ask you how does it feel when I call you Sehun?" Jun now turns to look at Shaun with bored, half-lidded eyes. He's leaning against the window. Shaun furrows his eyebrows and immediately looks away, his face starting to heat up. Only few of Shaun's victims talk back at him, many ignore him, but most accept it. Just because Shaun knows how to pick his targets... He might have made an error estimate when he came up to Jun a year ago, though. At first, Jun was slightly affected by it. Shaun did remind him of his childhood bully. Then he realized that Shaun was a freshman - now a sophomore - which meant that he must be really lonely to bully people older than him.

Jun started ignoring him then, but at some point during last semester, he decided that Shaun is very irritating. So he started bugging him back. Jun had a good summer holiday, he didn't have to be around this pathetic sophomore. He had plenty of time to think about his comebacks, his tongue sharper than ever, ready to cut Shaun in the places where it hurts the most.

"Don't you like it,  _ Sehun _ ? Are you so ashamed of your roots or what?"

"Don't call me that," Shaun grunts. His face is getting even more red and he clenches his fists. Jun turns to him fully, facing him. Shaun is completely turned towards the window.

"Call you what?" he asks. "Say it."

"...That."

"Isn't that your name, Sehun?" he asks and comes a little closer, now gluing himself onto Shaun's side. The sophomore is hiding his face from the older student. "Don't you like the name that your Mommy, who didn't even want you, gave you?"

"She named me Shaun," Shaun says with a shaky voice. Then he straight up starts sobbing.

For an unknown reason Jun's heart just drops. Annoying Shaun was one thing, but making him cry? That's next level. Maybe his mother is right. Maybe he has gotten a little too cold.

He looks around himself worriedly, hoping nobody pays any attention to them as he takes some distance and starts shushing him.

"I'm sorry, Shaun. I didn't mean to make you cry," Jun says as he keeps looking around himself, hoping that this doesn't become a scene or anything as dramatic. He's not ready for that kind of attention. "Please... stop crying."

"You're an asshole," Shaun whines when wiping his snot with the sleeve of his burgundy hoodie. The hoodie has the logo of their high school.

"Me? I'm the asshole?" Jun asks, rolls his eyes and leans his back against the window. "I'll do anything if you just stop crying."

"Anything?" Shaun asks nasally.

Jun sighs deeply, "Anything."

"What about my homework?"

Being bossed around by someone younger than him (or anyone in general) really isn't Jun's cup of tea, so he straight up shows him the hand. In fact, it really makes him mad. If Shaun's homework was just laid out before his eyes and there were some really cool algebra problems, he would probably just do it. Now that Shaun is almost expecting Jun to do his homework, he's really not up for the task. Especially since Shaun has been really burdensome for the past year.

Somehow his heart just doesn't feel right if he doesn't atone his wrongdoing. He isn't like Shaun, who can just bully people without feeling like utter shit.

"I won't do your homework for you, but I can help you. I ace math," Jun says while looking anywhere but at the student next to him.

"Of course you do, you're Asian."

"And you're... Half... Asian..." People being racist against their own race is even more amusing to Jun than the racist bigots he met while working at GameStop.

"I'm more white than Asian."

"Really? How so?"

"I... don't... look Korean..."

"Uhm, you do." What really is the logic behind Shaun's words, Jun doesn't understand. "I've gotten the impression that you don't really like to be half-Korean."

"How's it any of your problem?"

"Because I am Korean."

"But you're not me."

"Do you want my help or not?" Jun huffs. Shaun fidgets his sleeves.

"...I can't do math."

"Library, after school, meet me there."

He walks away from the bully as fast as he can, checking behind himself once to see the boy still staring outside. Great, now he has to stress about meeting him after school, too. At least he won't have a bad conscience after it's done.

***

After all day of being nervous over meeting Shaun at the library, Jun finally gathers the will to open the library's door. He really wants to call his mom, tell her to pick him up if she's not at work and play with his PlayStation. He really wants to finish that quest in Oblivion and blow up Megaton in Fallout 3, getting himself hyped up over Fallout New Vegas which is going to be released this autumn.

Before he's completely lost inside his head, he makes his way to a table and settles down there, literally taking the whole table all to himself. He takes out his own homework, writing some essay for English as he waits for the other one to arrive.

After about five minutes, Shaun finally comes to his table. He doesn't even look Jun in the eye, just sits next to him and leans on his arms.

"Aren't you... going to take out your books?" Jun asks as he keeps eyeing Shaun. The younger one seems very nervous. His hands are shaking and he keeps swinging his feet restlessly, his breathing unnervingly fast paced. Shaun turns to his backpack, takes out his math book and his notebook, showing all of his answers to the questions.

Jun sighs deeply as he reads the book and the notes. "These are all wrong."

Shaun wraps his arms on his chest and just stares at the books. Of course. What was Jun expecting.

"Tell me something I don't know," the sophomore says.

"Well you should have used quadratic equation formula on this one," Jun says. Shaun sighs and erases the whole paper worth of miscalculated problems. "Do you remember the formula?"

"I don't even know what that means," Shaun says as he looks away. Jun keeps staring at him, waiting for him to turn to look at him, which he doesn't, after writing down the formula.

"Here. Place the numbers in here." Shaun turns to look at the paper.

"...Where do I place them?" 

"2 is a. 4 is b. -7 is c," Jun says as he underlines the numbers at hand. Shaun takes a better position and starts placing the numbers in the equation and for a moment Jun is relieved that Shaun isn't completely handicapped. Until he asks what to do next. "Then you count."

"What do I count?"

"...Do you even understand what this means?" Jun asks as he points at the formula. Shaun shakes his head. "You are trying to figure out the x-intercept of this quadratic equation with this formula."

"What do I need it for?"

"...To figure out where the graph pierces the x-axis."

"But why?"

"Stop asking stupid questions and do something." Shaun looks away.

"I just wanted to know. Since nobody has ever told me."

"Do you need real-life examples to be able to process abstract concepts?"

"Stop speaking so... scientifically," Shaun huffs. "I'm not a nerd like you."

"I'm not a nerd," Jun defends himself. Sure he's been called that many times, but it still doesn't make him one.

Jun tries his hardest to explain math to Shaun for a good thirty minutes before the younger one whines about a headache and completely gives up. For those thirty minutes, though, he seemed like he actually wanted to learn. Jun finds it hard to believe. The sophomore is now laying on his books, resting his head on his hands and looking up at the ceiling. Jun keeps looking at his long, black eyelashes and grey eyes. His skin is so light despite the summer just ending. New Hampshire isn't the hottest state but it's not so cold that you couldn't get a tan during summer. Jun is pale, but he's naturally darker than the boy next to him.

Shaun's face looks squishy. And angry. He always looks angry. 

"Why do you hate your Korean name?" Jun asks out of curiosity. Shaun blinks a couple of times before locking eye contact with him. It looks like the younger boy's cheeks are slightly pink. He blinks again very slowly as he stares at Jun who has to pull his hair back again.

"Because my dad and brother use it. I hate them."

"Is your dad Korean?"

"Yes." Shaun now sits up, hiding his face from Jun. He puts his hood on. "If only I had a gun, I'd shoot them both."

"You know that's why we have video games, right?"

"I don't have any."

"I can borrow some."

"I don't have a good enough laptop."

"I have a PSP."

"Why would you lend me your PSP?"

"Because you clearly need something to relieve some of that anger on," Jun says and keeps staring at the younger boy who seems to be very interested in the table. He's silent for a long while and a pretty awkward silence falls between them.

Jun's conscience is cleared, yes, but now he's curious to know more about Shaun. He wants to know what made him this way.

"Sometimes I just want to kill everybody," Jun states as he becomes very interested in the table as well. It's very white and the light is very bright and yellow. "So I kill everybody in Fallout. I always play an evil character."

Shaun stays silent and it makes Jun so uncomfortable that he has to start packing his stuff. Shaun can stay at the library if he wants, Jun has to get back to his wasteland.

"I'll be here next week, same day, same time," Jun says as he takes his backpack and stands up, starting to walk towards the exit of the library. He turns to see the younger boy once to see that Shaun is staring at him with big eyes, with the most innocent look he has ever seen on the boy's face. His hands are between his thighs and knees tightly together, his black hair covering his eyes slightly and his back slouched a little bit, making him look smaller.

Jun is bewildered. He walks out the library with a question mark on his face. It's still raining, but he doesn't mind at the moment. He's too weirded out by the complete change in character in the sophomore's behavior.

***

Shaun sits down on his bed. He got a little wet on his way home and even saw his brother driving past him with their dad's car, not even stopping to take the little brother home. Not even sparing a glance at him.

He opens his laptop that he just took from his desk to bed. He knows he shouldn't use it in bed, but he loves laying down and watching YouTube or scrolling through Facebook or Twitter or reading something online. He even has a Tumblr blog where he can be whoever he wants, reposting and posting some aesthetically pleasing stuff, indulge in conversations anonymously with some older gay men who'd be willing to be his boyfriend... Maybe lie about his height, age, physique and overall looks, even his race...

But truth be told, he doesn't want a boyfriend who lives in another state, in love with the character Shaun portrays online. No, he needs someone here and now, but it's practically impossible without coming out of the closet.

Jun was very nice, though. He looks up "Jun Kim" from Facebook to find the junior. He doesn't have many pictures, exactly one of himself, his other photos are anime characters. Jun is so hot in real life, but the one picture he has of himself is one that is taken with a laptop's web camera from an unflattering angle like three years ago. Shaun laughs at the 14-year-old in the picture before sending a friend request.

He closes his laptop and hugs Mister Bunny tight, a shy smile on his face as he keeps thinking about the meeting in the library.


	3. The Guts

Jun finally decides to check what's going on in his social media. He really doesn't use Facebook or Twitter much, but sometimes he has to check what the rest of the world is doing. Especially now that he finished all of the main missions in Mass Effect 2 and the sadness is coming, or maybe not sadness, but more like boredom, the low after the high, the hangover after a fun night out.

He logs into Facebook on his computer - that he built himself with the help of his two friends - to chat with his friends, but instead of being focused on the two, he notices a friend request. He usually doesn't get any friend requests, and if he does, they are from some bots or random users that Jun really doesn't know (or remember knowing). This time, however, his eyebrows furrow immediately as he sees the name of the person and his profile picture.

Shaun Oh. Jun didn't know his last name is Oh. He accepts the friend request without much further thinking and in less than a minute the sophomore is messaging him.

_ Shaun Oh: finally _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: i sent you a request like a week ago _

_ Jun Kim: well hi to you too _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: i don't use fb much _

_ Shaun Oh: use it more often _

_ Jun Kim: i don't think i will. _

_ Shaun Oh: i'll make you _

_ Jun Kim: did you have something more important to tell me? _

_ Shaun Oh: oh right _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: i have an emergency basketball practice tomorrow after school _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: can you wait till im done with it or should we just move our meeting to thursday... _

_ Jun Kim: it depends _

_ Shaun Oh: on what? _

_ Jun Kim: whether i have homework or not _

_ Shaun Oh: im pretty sure you do _

_ Jun Kim: we shall see _

_ Shaun Oh: so how do i know if you'll be there _

_ Jun Kim: you walk in, take a good look around, and if you see me, you sit your ass down  _

Just then someone starts scratching on his door and playing with the door handle. Jun walks over to open the door for his gigantic cat. No, just a cat just wasn't good enough for Jun. When he was clinically diagnosed for his disorder, his mother wanted something to cheer him up. This was four years ago, when he was thirteen.

So she invested a good thousand dollars for a Maine Coon that Jun named Gary. And no, he does not love anyone or anything as much as his cat. He is also very cuddly, likes to sleep next to Jun at night, lay next to him when he's playing video games, follow him around the house...

Gary walks in and immediately starts pushing his head against Jun's legs. He's around knee-high. Jun closes his door, sits back down on his chair and pats his lap. Without further ado, Gary runs up to him and jumps on his lap. Jun is used to the weight, but he hates cleaning all the white and ginger hair from his clothes.

_ Shaun Oh: okay _

_ Jun Kim: good _

_ Shaun Oh: i hate you btw _

_ Jun Kim: nobodys forcing you to see me _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: youre literally the only person in this relationship making any sort of initiative _

_ Shaun Oh: relationship? _

_ Jun Kim: yeah. our relationship _

_ Shaun Oh: were not in a reltionship _

_ Jun Kim: uhm... yeah... we're not _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: thats not quite what i meant _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: im not into dudes either so tough luck _

_ Shaun Oh: i dont want you anyway _

That makes it sound like Shaun does want Jun, making the latter squint his eyes. It would explain why he's always coming back to him despite him talking back, but it really doesn't explain why the hell Shaun would feel attracted to him.

Unless he  **wants** someone to talk back.

_ Shaun Oh: youre so annoying sometimes _

_ Jun Kim: why, because i dont wanna fuck with you? _

_ Shaun Oh: i dont wanna fuck with you, jeez _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: youre a prick _

_ Jun Kim: ouch. _

Shaun just suddenly logs off and leaves Jun hanging. He stares at the screen for a while before logging out himself. For a while he just sits there, petting his cat that starts purring, vibrating Jun's whole lower body. It feels a little weird, so the teen raises the giant cat in his arms and moves him in bed before laying down himself. It's only 8PM, but he doesn't really feel like anything. So he just dozes off with his cat laying right next to him. He was supposed to shower, but that will have to wait...

***

Meanwhile Shaun is being lectured by his father. He had to log out immediately when his father came into the room and saw him playing with his computer rather than doing his homework that has started to interest the father more than anything. His father has started this tradition just this semester, two weeks ago. He said it's because Shaun barely passed last year.

Right now the father is standing before the boy, his hand lend out for him, expecting him to show the homework he's done... or hasn't done. Shaun just looks up at him with a gloomy expression on his face.

"Show me your homework," he says with his thick accent. Shaun looks away. He's hiding under his hoodie and blanket before he takes his backpack from next to his bed, showing his father the notebooks. The old man takes them and goes through them, furrowing his eyebrows. "Do you think I'm stupid?" He looks Shaun dead in the eye. The boy glares up at him, his eyes starting to get red. "How dumb do you have to be to think I would believe you did anything? You told me two hours ago that you'll do them."

"It's right here," Shaun says when pointing at the notebook that his father is looking at. It's his biology homework.

Instead of giving him credit, his father just swats his hand away with the notebook, now raising his voice. "Do you really think I believe this?"

"I don't know what I was expecting since you never believe me!"

"I have talked to your teachers. They all send me emails of the homework that you're supposed to do by the end of the week. You were supposed to do exercises 1 and 2 from page 15, and instead you showed me  _ notes _ that you wrote down  _ last semester _ . How stupid do you think I am?!" the father yells when throwing all the notebooks on Shaun who tries to block them.

"Is that shit even legal?" he asks with a shaky voice.

"Language," the father reminds. Shaun leans his back against the wall, sitting upright and legs crossed. His father starts pacing back and forth. That's when he knows the old man is going to lecture him and not leave until he's completely broken down. "Did I raise you like this? To lie to people? To lie to  _ me _ ?"

Shaun shakes his head.

"Then what went so wrong in your head that you decided to go against what I taught you? What was the big idea? What are your friends like?" the father asks, now standing right before Shaun. The boy tries to figure out if the question was rhetoric. "Answer me!"

"Which question?"

"What kind of friends do you have."

"It's not any of your business who my friends are."

"I think it is."

"Well I don't!" His father looks at him very demandingly as he motions him to come over to him. Shaun keeps staring at him, as if not processing what the old man is trying to say.

"Come here."

He comes a little closer to his father, only to be grabbed by his wrists and pulled up to stand right before the old man. He lowers his head in order to hide his red eyes from the man who's a little taller than him.

"Tell me what kind of people you're hanging out with."

"Just... friends. You know, Tim, Ken... and the twins... You know them..."

"So which one of them is telling you to tell lonely students that they are... stupid? Unwanted by their parents? Never going to the college or university they want to go to? Ugly? Pathetic?" the father asks and Shaun raises his head suddenly, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. "Do your friends do that?"

He shakes his head. His father looks him dead in the eye. His face looks so angry, so stern. The image boils into Shaun's mind.

"Sehun... What if I told you that you are stupid, unwanted by me and your mother, never going to the college you want, ugly and pathetic?" Shaun breaks down completely. Tears start rolling down his cheeks and he looks down to hide himself. "Hurts, doesn't it."

The father lets go of his hands and Shaun immediately goes to his bed, hits his face in the pillow and starts sobbing. He also hugs his pillow and covers his head with his hood, crawling into a small ball and hiding from his father. 

"...See that you are done by Sunday with your week's homework," he says. "If you're done earlier, I'll buy you something nice."

The father walks out the room then, leaving the teen alone. He shuts the door as well. Shaun only has his table lamp on on his nightstand, so the room is dimly lit. It helps him fall asleep while sobbing on his pillow, missing the days when he could sit on his father's lap after every time that Jack had bullied him...

***

The ball pounds on the floor as Shaun keeps bouncing it. Tim is right behind him, trying to catch the ball when Shaun passes it to Markus, but Ken grabs it from the air and throws it into the basket. They're all sweaty after an hour of practice. The time is moving towards 4PM and Shaun's thoughts are completely glued on the meeting. His body is shaking just thinking about it.

"Not bad, Shaun," Ken says as he walks over to the slightly shorter teen. Ken has a deep African American voice and a strong build. "You should work on your aim, though."

"Oh piss off," Shaun huffs and it comes out meaner than he intended. His hands are fidgety as he keeps thinking about Jun. "Tim, you could try and use your eyes next time."

And just like that Shaun's collar is grabbed and he's pushed against the wall of the gym. Shaun lets out a whine that comes out way more sensual than he is comfortable with, immediately making him regret having a voice at all. His back hurts from the blow. 

When he opens his eyes, he sees Tim glaring at him. His bright blue eyes staring straight into his soul and blonde hair sticking to his forehead... He has an undercut and Shaun has always thought that it looks so, so good on him. And the way he gets a little tan in the summer...

Ken is trying to grip Tim off him, but to no avail. Tim is the fittest of them all. He doesn't only play basketball and run, no, he also lifts weights three times a week. Shaun always wonders how he has time for that, studying  _ and _ his girlfriend.

"And you should learn how to fucking talk to people!" Tim yells at him, spit flying onto Shaun's face. He starts to push Tim away from himself, but his strong arms are pushing him against the wall so hard. "You used to be a good guy, you know."

"You're the one to talk," Shaun huffs.

"Leave him alone, Tim," Ken tries to help out his friend but Tim doesn't even seem to notice the boy behind himself.

"It's about Sabrina, isn't it?" he asks, his mouth in a thin line. Shaun completely freezes. He keeps staring at Tim, his breathing getting quicker. "You used to always want to visit me. And you  _ always _ wanted to sleep in the same bed with me." It feels like his heart has stopped beating. He can't look Tim in the eye anymore. "I was fine with that. I would still be fine with that. And I was fine with that even though I  _ knew  _ how you felt about me."

Shaun gulps. He keeps staring at the ground, his face heating up. He never confessed to Tim. 

"Ever since I started dating her, you became a prick. You know, you were the first person I told about her. You were the first person I talked about with her. And for the past year she's been trying to make me talk to you and so here I am. You have to work through whatever the hell you're going through and come out of the closet. Nobody thinks you're cool. You're pathetic and it hurts to watch you be so insecure about yourself."

"That's enough, Tim," Ken tries to reason, pulling him away. Tim finally lets go of his ex-best friend, taking steps back but never stop looking at him. "That's enough."

"If you don't come out then I'll do it for you," Tim says.

"You can't do that," Ken says. "That's so insensitive. It's Shaun's own choice whether he wants to come out or not - you know, not everybody is cool with it."

"Watch me," Tim says when glaring at Ken, now walking away from the two of them. The twins, Finn and Markus, just watched the situation unfold. They're too shy to even speak up their mind most of the time. 

Ken sighs deeply before walking over to Shaun, putting his hand on his shoulder but Shaun slaps it away. He rushes over to the locker room, changes his clothes and washes himself really quickly as to not smell too bad for Jun, coating himself in deodorant. When his three friends come into the locker room, he's already making it towards the library.

Maybe Jun could be his solace. Just maybe.

He walks in to hear the librarian greet him but he doesn't even look at her. He walks around to find the junior doing his homework. He looks very focused, his nose against the paper. Shaun fidgets his sleeves. His heart feels like it's pounding out of his chest as he walks over to the table Jun is sitting at. His stomach is in knots as he sits down, their hands so near each other.

Shaun leans on his hand and watches the junior for a moment before Jun looks up at him. His brown eyes look so tender yet Shaun knows he hates him... and he kind of hates him back. After all, it's Jun's fault he started crying in school. And his fault Shaun has been having trouble sleeping.

"What's today's subject?" Jun asks as Shaun flips his chemistry book on the table. "Ah, my... least favorite."

"I hate chemistry."

"Lemme ask you," Jun starts as he takes the notebook from Shaun. "What do you like?"

Shaun sits still for a while. What does he like? That's a good question.

He stays quiet, wraps his arms on his chest and stares at the table. Jun keeps eyeing him, he can feel his gaze burning on his skin. It makes his cheeks hot.

The sophomore opens his mouth to reply, not even once turning to look at Jun who looks hopeful, and says, "It's none of your damn business. Why do you care?"

"I don't. I was just trying to be nice," Jun says and starts going through the chemistry notes. His eyebrows are furrowed as he reads. Shaun turns to look at him gently, breathing heavily. Jun has something that none of the guys who Shaun ever met has: a strong character. You could tell him anything yet he would not shake in fear. You could kick him in the ground and he would look indifferent.

Shaun has a feeling that he keeps his loved ones very, very close.

"Do you even know chemistry?" he asks and the older boy shakes his head.

"Sorry, but you're gonna have to go to the teacher about this. They'll help you, I'm sure."

"Of course... I didn't think you'd be smart enough for chemistry..." Shaun mumbles when putting his chemistry book back in his backpack and takes out his geology book. Jun squints his eyes.

"Your comment is infuriating only because you're not good at it either," he says. "But I guess it's better than being some Einstein and thinking everybody else is a peasant."

"Are you calling me better than Einstein?" Shaun asks with a genuinely dumbfounded look on his face. Jun looks at him like he thought that Shaun has swiss cheese for brain.

"Forget it."

"No, I won't."

"Fine, then don't forget it," Jun huffs when opening the notebook and checking Shaun's notes.

"I don't think you know geology either."

"At least I got a C."

"Doesn't mean you know how to teach me how to get a C," Shaun says back at him and Jun closes the books, handing them over to Shaun. Then packs his bags.

"You know what? Okay. I won't teach you how to get a C. Have fun trying to pass the grade... and the rest of high school," he says as he stands up, walking out the library. Just now Shaun realizes how greasy Jun's hair was and how covered in cat's or dog's fur his black hoodie was. And how dark the circles under his eyes were...

He sits there for a moment, just staring at the table, before hitting his notebook against the surface and his head on his notebook. He'll never be able to pass high school. 


	4. Poison

The air is starting to get a little chilly. It's Saturday evening and Jun is taking his cat out for a walk. This is the first time he got out of bed the whole day and only because his cat wanted to see the outside world. Gary loves playing in the park and people love to admire the size of his cat. Unfortunately he doesn't want to talk. First times taking Gary out into the park felt a little weird, nobody was used to seeing a cat on a leash. It got better with time and now Jun doesn't care at all.

He's wearing a beanie to hide his greasy hair and a dark blue jacket to hide his stained hoodie. He smells like death but doesn't have the energy to do anything about it. Besides, it's Saturday. Who cares anyway. He'll shower tomorrow.

He sees someone running in the distance and thinks that that person must be crazy to be out here with a white sleeveless shirt. He has black skin tight running pants, leaving no space for imagination, and grey sneakers. The figure seems somewhat familiar...

As the figure approaches, he notices that it's Shaun. He has his eyes closed and he looks pained, sweat dripping from his pale face. Completely washed out.

And before he has time to even react, say a snarky comment or complain, he falls onto the ground. It looks like he tripped. Or passed out.

Jun rushes over to him, checking if he's breathing. Thankfully, he is. He looks around. He can't just leave Shaun here and he certainly doesn't know where the other one lives. He doesn't know if Shaun has enough money to go to the hospital and he sure as hell isn't paying for that.

But, thankfully, his mother is a nurse and he calls her immediately. They live right on the edge of the park, so it takes her less than five minutes to come over. Her short black bob hair swings from side to side as she runs in her red jacket and white pants.

"He has passed out," she tells her son in Korean. That's what the two always use. "Do you know each other?"

"Well... Yeah... We do," Jun replies timidly.

"Then let's take him to our house. You take his feet, I'll take his arms." She's already standing up and grabbing Shaun's arms.

"What about Gary? Do you know how this looks?" Jun worries.

"Oh, Gary... Can't you walk him with you while we drag this boy into our house? If anybody asks, I'm a nurse and you two know each other."

Jun's mother always has a solution for everything. Jun sighs deeply as he grabs Shaun's legs, hoping that he doesn't step on his cat.

***

Shaun flutters his eyes open. He turns a little to smell the scent of the bed he's laying on. The bed is covered with a counterpane and Shaun is covered with a soft, warm felt. It smells like Jun. He has never, ever, smelled someone's scent so strongly... and liked it.

The giant furball on his feet almost makes him have a heart attack. Is that a lynx? Why would someone have a lynx?

And as he looks up, he sees Jun sitting on a chair in front of a computer. The desk under the window and opposite from the door, the bed in the corner of the room and right next to the door. Jun has the same black hoodie as two weeks ago when they last saw each other at the library. Neither of them has said a word to each other since. He barely sees Jun as he's covered by the back of the chair.

The older boy is playing something on his computer before he turns around to see Shaun confused, laying in his bed, looking around. The walls are covered with anime and gaming posters. When he turns to look at the older one, he sees that Jun doesn't look exactly fresh, but neither does he. They're both disgusting.

"Where am I?" he asks as if it wasn't obvious.

"In my bed," Jun answers with a slightly bothered voice.

"Did you drug me and rape me?"

"Yeah, you shouldn't move or it's gonna hurt," Jun jokes around but Shaun is not impressed. "I believe Gary has taken interest in you." Jun motions at the lion on his bed who now raises his head, blinks a few times slowly and meows the deepest and scariest meows Shaun has ever heard.

When the giant sees Shaun, he gets up and starts approaching him. Shaun has frozen completely as he stares at the giant furball coming towards him, finally giving him a little kiss on his cheek and starting to push his head against Shaun's face until the boy starts patting his head gently.

"He loves you," Jun says and for some reason Shaun is kind of emotional. "Usually he isn't very keen on visitors. At least not to this extent."

The older boy turns back to his computer and resumes his gaming session. It's weird, his face barely moved when he talked. He just blinked and his mouth said words, but there was no emotion behind anything.

Shaun turns on his side, faces the door, grips the sheets and smells them. He keeps looking at Jun until noticing the majestic array of video games on his shelves. There are all sorts of games for PlayStation 3 and PC. He used to play everything with Tim.

"You could leave, you know," Jun reminds Shaun who keeps lying on the bed. His head is throbbing in pain and vomit is creeping up to his throat. It just feels like he needed to throw up, but nothing actually comes out. On top of all that he has a runny nose so he keeps sniffling and his throat feels dry as well as sore. He feels a little chilly, covering himself with the felt and shivering. Thankfully Gary is warm and big and now lying against him. 

Instead of fulfilling Jun's wish, Shaun opens his mouth. "What are you playing?"

"Fallout 3," Jun replies without hesitation. "I love Fallout. I can't wait until New Vegas comes out. Some of the original team is in the crew, so it's gonna be even better than Fallout 3 and it's gonna be even better than the original Fallout games."

Shaun didn't understand a word so he just blinks a few times. He sees Jun shooting people with a minigun in the game. He uses some big speakers so that everyone in the household could hear the rattling of the bullets. Seeing people die in there makes Shaun happy, but the noises make him frown. He kinda wants to shoot people with a minigun too.

"What's it about?" he asks. Jun tenses up when a huge green man jumps on the screen. It takes him a while to reply.

"Well, it's like an alternative history. Where a nuclear war kinda destroyed the whole world in 2077. Now it's 200 years later and things look like they were nuked back to the stone age."

"I wonder when a war like that is going to happen," Shaun wonders.

"People bomb each other all the time," Jun says nonchalantly. "Just not in the States."

"Where then?"

"Are you completely unaware of the political climate around the world?" Jun asks as if it was the most important thing to be interested about.

"Yes," Shaun replies honestly. "I know nothing."

Jun sighs deeply and decides to let it go. After all, he's not Shaun's teacher despite trying to teach him two times. The first time went so well.

Shaun scratches Gary's head and the kitty starts purring so hard the whole bed vibrates. The boy loves it. He smiles a little when looking at the ginger cat closing his eyes and reaching up to Shaun's hand, smiling in bliss. He's so big yet so cute.

There's a knock on the door. Shaun immediately raises his head to see a woman opening the door and peeking her head through, smiling when seeing the boy on the bed looking at her with big eyes and with the cat in his arms. She has a very warm smile and slight wrinkles around her eyes. She doesn't look much older than 35.

"Hi. I'm Jun's mother, Eunjung Kim, but you can call me Eve. Everybody calls me that," she says with a smile. Shaun just keeps staring at her and she looks visibly uncomfortable about the awkward situation she's in. "I'm sure Jun already told you that me and him took you into our house when he saw you faint right in the park. You shouldn't run until you pass out like that, it's really not good for your health."

"He didn't tell me." Shaun keeps looking at her in the eyes and she smiles, expecting him to continue but when he doesn't, she looks away in embarrassment.

"Well," she laughs awkwardly when walking towards her son. "Jun, you should stop playing now and offer your friend here a hoodie or something warm to keep on his shoulders."

Jun grunts before sighing deeply, saving his game and exiting. He turns around with his chair, stands up and goes to his closet to find a big black hoodie. It's the biggest one he has.

He walks over to the younger boy and gives him his big black hoodie with an emotionless face. Shaun looks up at him with big eyes, accepting the cloth because it smells like Jun too. Unfortunately Jun doesn't even look at him. His eyes are glued to the ground.

"Great. Come to dinner, boys. I've made some japchae," Eve says as she starts walking out the door. Shaun puts on the hoodie and as soon as he plops his head out, he sees Jun staring at him. From head to toe. And somehow it makes him feel small.

And somehow he really likes it.

The hoodie is big and smells like Jun so strongly. It reminds him of the days when he was still in middle school and he used to steal stuff from Tim just to feel him near him. Now it's covered in Shaun's sweat. Filthy.

"Your lap is covered in hair," Jun points out, pointing his finger at Shaun's black pants that are indeed covered in ginger hair. Jun's clothes are also covered in hair.

Shaun huffs and stands up, fidgeting his sleeves. Suddenly he feels nervous and he wants to throw up even more. Jun grabs his hoodie by the arm and drags Shaun into the kitchen where the mother is fussing around. The house is small, just roomy enough for a small family like theirs. There is a small dining table in the kitchen. It's a square and has only four chairs around it.

"Are you allergic to anything, Shaun?" she asks.

"Fish," he says.

"Anything else?"

"No."

"Oh, that's good, I didn't waste any ingredients then," she says when smiling at the boys. "I'll just put some on your plates. Sit down, sit down."

The boys do as she says. She places huge plates of japchae right before them. It's steaming. Shaun's father makes the dish all the time, but once Shaun takes it in his mouth, he is shocked at how different it tastes. Maybe his father has went a little softer on the spices there.

He starts lapping the food in his mouth, making Jun and Eve look at him with wide eyes. It's like he hadn't eaten in days.

Once Shaun realizes his bad manners, he slows down, making Eve laugh at him.

"It's nice knowing someone likes my cooking," she chuckles. "You shouldn't run until you pass out like that. Your... parents, must be worried."

"They don't know," Shaun says when he finally swallows all the food in his mouth. Jun keeps playing with his food, only taking small mouthfuls while staring down at the table. Eve's face is cascaded by worry.

"They should know," she says. "I think you should tell them. Talk to them." Shaun looks at the table. He becomes tense all of a sudden.

"Why?"

"...Because... I know that if Jun did something like this to himself... I would be very, very worried about him."

"My dad is different," Shaun says when taking a deep breath, then taking a big mouthful of the noodles.

"What about your mother?" Eve asks, her voice taken over by worry.

"My mom is none of your business," Shaun huffs, shaking his head and avoiding eye contact again. Eve seems very nice and even if he can be a prick, he can't be ungrateful to the person who just saved him from freezing to death outside and gave him food.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." It's awkwardly silent for a moment as Eve chews on her noodles. She has plenty to say, however, even if both the boys don't feel like talking. "Do you live with your father?"

"...My father and my brother," Shaun replies honestly. He feels obliged to reply to her, since she was so nice to take care of him. He doesn't want to talk, however, so he doesn't ask any questions back at her.

"Do you like your father?" she asks and they lock eye contact for a while. Her eyes are filled with pity. He glances at Jun who is staring at the table, still, playing with his food. It's like he wasn't even there. The yellow light in the ceiling starts hurting his eyes and he can feel a migraine coming.

"He's... fine," Shaun says when thinking back to last night. His father threw Shaun's notebooks at him and said he can't do anything right... 

"You can stay the night if you want. I can make the couch for you," Eve suggests.

"I said he's fine. I'm fine," Shaun assures as he clenches his fist. 

"Shaun," she says sternly when forcing eye contact. The said young man doesn't really want to be around her any longer. "You have to tell someone about this. Do you do this often?"

"Mom," Jun finally speaks up, making his mother startled. She turns to him immediately. "Don't be nosy. You're making him uncomfortable."

"Oh... I'm... so sorry, Shaun. I should have realized," she says when shaking her head. "Just... think about what I said. But, ultimately, it's your choice, and whatever you decide to do with your life... As long as you remember that even if what you feel is out of your control, whatever you decide to do with that feeling is always up to you and no one else."

Shaun looks at the table and sighs deeply. He'll surely hear another lecture like this at home again. He keeps playing with his food now again, his arms feeling shaky as he raises his eyes to see the boy sitting right opposite to him, scanning his body with his gaze. Silence falls between them before Eve takes another deep breath, eats a bit of her food and starts talking again.

"Well, how's school?" she asks while looking at the boys alternatively. Jun and Shaun glance at each other.

"It's fine," Jun says nonchalantly.

"I don't really wanna talk about it," Shaun says. Even turns to him again.

"What do you want to talk about?" she asks. At that moment Shaun forgets even his own name because there is literally nothing he wants to talk about with this woman. The only thing he can think of is that he wants to go home.

"...Uhm... Gary?"

"Oh yes!" the mother starts beaming immediately, her eyes firing up. "I bought Gary four years ago when Jun was diagnose-" She stops speaking immediately, again having to shut herself up before saying too much. She looks over at her son who gives her a reassuring nod and she continues. "...Diagnosed with depression. I knew that having a pet of his own would do him good. Even if I had to pay a thousand dollars for that cat... And even if I find his hair everywhere around the house... And... when he wakes me up at night..."

Shaun starts smiling a little awkwardly. He's not even surprised about Jun's condition.

"I want a cat like Gary."

"He's a Maine Coon. They're very expensive," she explains.

"I would be fine with a cheaper version too," Shaun says when finally taking his last bite of japchae. "As long as I had a cat."

"You can get them for free from the rescue center," Eve says and smiles at him. "Would you like more?"

"I should go home," he says and immediately stands up.

"Oh, well, take care of yourself. Jun, you should walk your guest outside," she says when smiling at her son. Jun sighs deeply as he stands up slowly.

"He was more like a patient rather than a guest," he reminds but receives only a glare from his mother. Jun starts walking towards the entrance to their house and Shaun quietly follows.

He opens the door for the younger one and as Shaun takes a step outside, he turns around immediately to face the junior. Jun has his eyes half-lidded and he blinks slowly. His greasy hair is slightly hiding his view.

"Please reply to me on Facebook," Shaun says.

"Is that how lonely you are?" Jun asks.

"Yes."

"Is that how desperately you need my help with your homework?"

"Yes."

Jun squints his eyes when looking at the younger one. Shaun blinks a few times innocently, his breathing getting quicker again. It's like from the movies. They should kiss now. Shaun feels ashamed he's even thinking about it.

"Is this the part where you say sorry to me?" Jun asks, tilting his head a bit to the side.

"I've got nothing to apologize for," Shaun says, making the older boy roll his eyes.

"Sure, nothing, as if you didn't start bullying me a year ago."

"Well you sure know how to talk back. I figured strong people don't need apologies," Shaun replies, making Jun look down. Then he offers the younger boy something that could replicate a smile.

"Check your inbox. I'll send you some memes," he says as he closes the door, leaving Shaun hanging. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, turns around, smells the hoodie on himself and starts smiling stupidly before walking down the stairs in the sunset.


	5. A Plan

_ Jun Kim: pls talk to me im lonely and in need of love and i will accept it from anyone _

_ Shaun Oh: okay _

_ Jun Kim: i cant believe you actually replied, only within a few seconds _

_ Shaun Oh: well im not doing anything  _

Shaun is laying on his bed on his stomach, his feet in the air. As soon as he came home from school, he just had to throw on Jun's hoodie. He's been keeping it near the past week, smelling it from time to time to feel his scent, but immediately feeling creeped out about his own behavior. Surely he isn't obsessed with Jun, he just smells so nice and he just happens to be  _ so nice _ .

Especially if taken into consideration that Shaun did, in fact, bully him for a whole year. The sophomore conveniently decides to ignore it. 

A smile creeps up on his lips as he sees the older boy typing. His heart is fluttering.

_ Jun Kim: what r u doing _

_ Shaun Oh: thinking of u _

_ Jun Kim: ha-ha. _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: but you just said you're not doing anything _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: so you're saying im not anything :( _

_ Shaun Oh: yeah, thats what i said _

_ Jun Kim: rude, but i'll pretend i didn't see that _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: just like the teachers whenever they see you being a bitch to someone _

_ Shaun Oh: i have my reasons to be a bitch _

_ Jun Kim: tell me. _

Shaun thinks about this thoroughly. How much is he willing to tell Jun without telling too much?

_ Shaun Oh: my brother is a good reason _

_ Jun Kim: who even is your brother _

_ Shaun Oh: jack _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: he's a senior now _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: kind of a ladykiller... _

_ Jun Kim: doesnt ring a bell, but i assume you look similar _

_ Shaun Oh: he looks surprisingly different _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: but he does have black hair and brown eyes _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: a little darker than me _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: a little bigger than me in every way... _

_ Jun Kim: even his dick is bigger... _

_ Shaun Oh: fortunately i dont know the size of his dick but ive come to think hes a giant tool _

_ Jun Kim: oh, so you do look similar! _

_ Shaun Oh: ha-ha. _

_ Jun Kim: no but seriously, if you say he's a jerk, i'll take your word for it _

_ Shaun Oh: good. cause i really mean it. _

Shaun rolls onto his back and hugs himself. He stares at the ceiling but his thoughts drift elsewhere. He wonders how it would feel like to hold Jun and, more importantly, how it would feel like to be held by Jun. The smell of sweat would probably be very prominent, taken into consideration that Jun sits all day long playing video games and watching anime, sometimes not even showering because he simply doesn't have the strength to.

Somehow it doesn't bother Shaun at all. Jun is nice to him despite him being a jerk. Who knew bullying people would have such a positive outcome?

After a few minutes of silence, Shaun wakes up into reality when his Facebook blings: he has a notification... and a game request.

_ Jun Kim: sometimes you're really annoying _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: sending me bejeweled blitz requests... _

_ Shaun Oh: well sorry, but they promised me free stuff if i shared _

_ Jun Kim: if i ever make a game, remind me to never add in a feature like that _

_ Shaun Oh: but your game needs to be shared and gain publicity somehow  _

_ Jun Kim: it isn't worth giving people hemorrhage _

_ Shaun Oh: everything is worth it if there's money involved _

_ Jun Kim: ... _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: intrigue. _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: wanna film a porn with me? _

Shaun blushes and starts giggling when he reads that line. He doesn't know why it's so funny that Jun suggested something like that, but it really does make it feel like they're friends. 

_ Jun Kim: the word is that you like boys _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: wanna say something about that? _

And now he feels like his whole world crumbles. Everybody who knows Shaun now knows that he likes boys, thanks to Tim. It won't be long until Jack hears about it and then what? Maybe Tim will feel remorse once he sees the news about Shaun's death.

His heart beats loud. The only people he's talked to about it are the older guys online. The ones who don't even know the real him, the ones who think his name is Kevin, that he's 5'5, caucasian, weighs 120 pounds and that his hobbies include playing the piano and painting with watercolors.

_ Shaun Oh: what would i have to say about that? _

_ Jun Kim: that it's not true? that it is true? _

His hands shake as he types.

_ Shaun Oh: it is true. _

_ Jun Kim: do you have a crush on me? _

_ Shaun Oh: and this is why i dont tell people _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: straight guys are always so scared of a boy like me having a crush on them _

_ Jun Kim: im not scared _

Shaun doesn't know if he's happy about that or not. Maybe a part of him thinks it's better that Jun stays as a faraway dream that he'll never be able to reach. Maybe he's too scared of getting hurt by someone. A few more minutes pass before Jun replies.

_ Jun Kim: i'd like that, actually. _

That makes Shaun's heart skip a beat and his whole body heat up. A wide smile spreads across his face as he grabs Jun's hoodie and hides himself in it.

It's so scary.

_ Shaun Oh: why would you like that? _

_ Jun Kim: cause nobody ever has a crush on me _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: it'd be nice to experience being someone's crush _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: i mean, maybe, in the past, some girls liked me _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: but that's before i became depressed and disgusting _

_ Shaun Oh: you're not disgusting _

_ Jun Kim: funny. you always told me how i looked like i hadn't showered in a week. _

_ Shaun Oh: i told everyone the same thing _

_ Jun Kim: you tried every single combination until you finally found something that made people tick _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: why? _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: just why _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: why would you want to make people feel so crap about themselves _

_ Shaun Oh: because i feel so crap about myself _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: i just want someone to hurt the way i hurt _

_ Jun Kim: does it make you feel better? _

_ Shaun Oh: yes. it absolutely does. _

_ Jun Kim: you're horrid _

_ Shaun Oh: oh im aware _

_ Jun Kim: who hurt you _

_ Shaun Kim: why do you wanna know _

_ Jun Kim: because i want to understand you _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: genuinely. _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: i do. _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: i swear i won't judge _

The rays of sunshine come in through the curtains. The boy laying in bed has to take care of that problem and think about his response at the same time. He doesn't want to tell Jun, it's too soon, it hurts too much. 

_ Shaun Oh: i'll tell you one day _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: but only if you promise me one thing _

_ Jun Kim: and what would that be? _

_ Shaun Oh: reply to mY GAME REQUESTS _

_ Jun Kim: *sigh* _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: FINE _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: I'LL PLAY THE STUPID BEJEWELED BLITZ _

_ Shaun Oh: GOOD _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: FINALLY WE AGREE _

Suddenly there's a knock on Shaun's door. He doesn't reply, but his father invites himself in nonetheless. He closes the door after himself so the son knows it's serious. He sighs deeply but keeps staring at his laptop screen despite not doing anything other than wait for Jun's reply with it.

The father crouches next to Shaun's bed while the boy is laying on his stomach right before his computer.

"Are you okay?" he asks and Shaun glares at him.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Jack pulled my hair today when I told him it's his turn to clean the bathroom." The father sighs deeply while pinching his nose bridge. Shaun looks down and plays with his sleeve.

"You didn't clean the bathroom, did you?"

"...He said not to tell you."

The father keeps his arms on his bed and stares at his younger son. The frontpage of Facebook is open and a notification of a new message blings. Shaun glances at it. Jun just sent him a few memes that go way above the father's head.

"Don't tell him I told you," Shaun says.

"Of course I won't. But I'll figure something out. I'll stand there and watch him do his chores if he doesn't know how to do them himself," the father says.

"Are you gonna hit him?" Shaun asks, still keeping his eyes down.

"I said I'll figure something out," the father assures. "Your homeroom teacher called me today. She wanted me to talk to you. Do you want to talk about it? About the... rumors."

Shaun shakes his head.

"Do you... like boys?" 

"Why would you ask if I wanna talk about it and then ask about it anyway?" Shaun huffs and shakes his head. "I said I don't wanna."

"...Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," the father says. He keeps gazing at his son, making him very uncomfortable nonetheless. "Have you done your homework?"

Shaun stays silent. He looks over at his laptop.

_ Jun Kim: do you wanna meet up some day _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: lets study some more math in the library _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: ... _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: don't leave me on read bitch _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: don't tell me you're grabbing food or something _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: dont eat in bed _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: ... oh who am I to tell not to do that _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: eat in bed so that i dont feel so bad about myself _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: then sleep in the bread crumbs :) _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: sometimes gary eats some pieces of food that are in my bed _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: but that's rare i swear _

"I'll take that as a no," the father says and sighs deeply. "You have to do them by Sunday. If you have them done by Friday I swear I'll buy pizza." His voice is deep and so are the wrinkles on his face. He rubs his face tiredly. "Talk to me, Sehun."

"...Stop calling me that."

"That's what I've always called you and that's what I'll always call you."

"What if I don't like it? Nobody calls me that. Why do you never understand me?" Shaun huffs when taking his pillow and hugging it, hiding his face in it.

"How could I understand when you never talk to me? You keep pushing me away. I miss you."

Shaun keeps his face against the pillow and he hears his father grunt before standing up. He grabs the pillow tight.

"...You shouldn't keep your laptop in bed. You know you can talk to me whenever you want to, okay?" the father says and waits for a while before finally leaving. As soon as he's gone, Shaun checks that the door is closed before finally replying to Jun.

_ Shaun Oh: sorry _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: my dad just wanted to talk _ _   
_ __ Shaun Oh: i'm free whenever... except thursday

But of course, Jun has already logged out and is now playing Mass Effect 2 on his computer...


	6. Rope

"I told you to leave me alone!" Jack yells as he slaps Shaun across his cheek. The little brother holds the spot that was just violated and starts whining immediately. They're in Jack's room, standing before the door that Shaun just a minute ago stormed through.

"Dad said it's your turn to do the dishes! I've done the last four times, it's your turn!" he says as he stomps his foot on the ground.

"Stop being annoying! How many times do I have to tell you that you nor Dad can tell me what to do?! Especially you! You should be doing what I tell you to, I'm older than you!"

"That's not fair!"

"Oh boohoo! Are you gonna cry about it to Daddy? Like you always do," Jack says when grabbing Shaun's arm and his collar, starting to drag him out of the room and into the little brother's room. Shaun tries to shake him away, but his big brother has always had the upper hand. Always been taller, always been stronger, always been smarter...

"Stop it! I'm gonna tell Dad!"

"What are you, like twelve?" Jack snorts when shutting the door to Shaun's room after them, throwing the little brother on the bed and opening the closet door. Shaun immediately starts weeping and shakes his head as he looks up at his brother who takes out a rope from there. Shaun doesn't understand why he didn't realize to get rid of it after the last time. Now he has to deal with the consequences.

He tries to make a quick escape before his brother can catch him, but Jack grabs his arm and he falls on the ground, crying and kicking his feet.

"I'm gonna tell Dad!" he sobs as Jack turns him on his back and pulls him up, but he keeps close to the floor.

"Get up!" Jack yells at him but he keeps sitting on the floor and crying. When he doesn't do as his brother says, the older one grabs his hair and pulls him up on his feet. Jack shoves Shaun into the closet, forces his hands above his head despite the little brother trying to fight back and ties his hands to the bar where some hangers are keeping Shaun's shirts neatly in line.

"I'm gonna tell-" Shaun cries but is interrupted by Jack's hand on his mouth. The big brother walks closer to him so that their faces are merely inches away from each other. Shaun closes his eyes and shivers in fear.

"If you tell Dad anything, I'm going to kill you, alright? I'll kill you." His voice sounds as cold as always. It's nothing new, Shaun's heard the words before, but what's scary is that he never knows if Jack is serious. He sounds like he is.

Jack walks out to take some duct tape from Shaun's drawer. He has placed it there himself for all the times he decides to punish his little brother. Shaun cries when his brother tapes his mouth shut tight, so that he can barely even move his lips.

"I thought you would've learned after the last time... but I guess some people just are stupid," Jack says as he turns the lights off and closes the door. Shaun cries loudly when kicking the door, trying to open it to let some light in. It's pitch black. His arms are uncomfortably above his head. He has no idea when he'll get out. His father always checks on him after he comes home from work, so Shaun figures he still has a few hours.

Jack closes the door to Shaun's room and the little brother keeps crying in the closet. He tries to wiggle his hands out of the knot but nothing comes of it. He can barely feel his hands, he can feel the blood going away from them.

He hangs in there, defeated, crying his eyes out as he keeps thinking of Jun. If only Jun could save him. Him and Jun would be so much stronger together against his big bad brother. Jun would comfort him whenever his big brother has hurt him...

Of course, those will be nothing but dreams inside his head, but as he falls deeper in his dreams, he finds that being tied up in the closet for hours isn't the most horrible thing that could ever happen to him.

***

Jun is sitting at his desk chair, Gary sitting on his lap and pawing him. He doesn't use his claws, so the teenage boy isn't in shreds.

He has been trying to contact Shaun, however. For the past two weeks they've chatted on Facebook every day and Jun is genuinely surprised about how pleasant company Shaun can be online. Maybe it's just because it's online, but they do share the same kind of twisted and dark sense of humor that makes everyone around them squint and scream that it's offensive. Of course, mass shootings and children being sexually abused by priests is terrible, but making jokes about them to cope with this cruel world has some shock value that makes Jun at least first gasp, then grin and then say "that's horrible."

One thing Jun definitely appreciates about Shaun and his jokes is that he doesn't seem to be very sensitive about any subject, even if it included himself, so long as it's a joke. They've made so many "your mother doesn't want you," "your father is gay" and "your parents are siblings and you're retarded" jokes that it's almost starting to get old. Just almost. Until they laugh about how stupid they are and how they want to kill everybody in all kinds of humorous ways, like blowing up the whole school and making their parents pay for it.

But right now Shaun isn't replying. He's been bombarding the younger one with messages for a few hours now, playing something for an hour and then checking if the other had replied. And now, finally, he sees the sophomore typing him a reply.

_ Jun Kim: you always complain about how i don't reply and now you haven't even checked my messages _

_ Shaun Oh: i was busy _

_ Jun Kim: jerking off, being a douche or avoiding me? _

_ Shaun Oh: he tied me up and left me in my closet for hours _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: until dad found me _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: and now they're yelling at each other _

The reply was a bit unexpected. Jun stares at the screen for a few seconds, just hovering his hands above the keyboard, unsure of what to even think. In other circumstances he would just ignore messages like these, but in the last month Jun has kind of come to think of Shaun as his friend. But just kind of friend.

_ Jun Kim: what??? _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: who??? _

_ Shaun Oh: jack _

_ Jun Kim: come over if its not safe _

_ Shaun Oh: im used to this _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: i can hear dad hitting him _

Jun stares at the screen for a few seconds again, unsure of what to reply. He's not surprised about Shaun coming from a broken home but he wasn't expecting a confession like this.

_ Jun Kim: fuck come here rn _

_ Shaun Oh: why do u care _

So Jun decides to reply the only way he knows how to: aggressively, but the kind of aggression one has when they have a need to protect someone.

_ Jun Kim: if you dont come here right about the fuck now im going to kill you tomorrow at school _

_ Shaun Oh: dad doesnt like it when i go out this late _

_ Jun Kim: stay the night at my place _

_ Shaun Oh: why _

_ Jun Kim: because i say so. _

_ Shaun Oh: its not safe out there this late _

_ Jun Kim: fuck its not safe for u in there either _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: i'll come pick u up _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: ...i have a license _

_ Shaun Oh: ... _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: y do u want me to come over so bad _

Jun stops to reflect for a moment. Why does he want Shaun to come over so bad? He's visited him only once, just because he happened to pass out, and they haven't seen each other IRL in over two weeks. They've been talking about everything but not once have they even bumped into each other.

Maybe he wants to see Shaun again. Maybe he wants to make sure he's fine. Maybe he wants to feel someone, anyone, near himself again.

_ Jun Kim: because i dont want anything bad to happen to you _ _   
_ _ Jun Kim: i mean, in case the one hurting you isn't me  _

He had to add that so it wouldn't get all too sentimental. After all, he's a straight guy, wouldn't want to give the other guy the wrong idea, and he knows, everybody knows, that Shaun isn't. Tim has made it very clear and the word traveled pretty fast. Fortunately the only people interested in the fact are girls who have a crush on him and... well, guys who have a crush on him.

It takes a while for Shaun to reply anything. Three long minutes pass in silence as Jun waits for those lines.

_ Shaun Oh: ok _ _   
_ _ Shaun Oh: i'll be on the edge of the supermarket, i live near there _

And without even replying, Jun rushes downstairs, throws on his jacket and runs to his mother's car. Eve runs outside once she hears the engine but Jun doesn't even spare a glance at her, he's too busy thinking about Shaun.

The Friday evening is dark and lights have filled the city. Everybody is ready for Halloween. The only horror Jun has experienced is that his cat had a fever last weekend, but fortunately he's alright now.

This time his hair is washed and his clothes clean - he changed them just yesterday. He is planning to shower on Sunday the next time, completely abandoning personal hygiene for three whole days. That's his idea of vacation.

The supermarket glows in the darkness beautifully with artificial light. A boy in a white hoodie stands before it, wiping his cheeks. The camouflage jogger pants are tight on him, leaving hardly anything to imagination. Jun drives the car next to him and looks up at the boy who doesn't waste one more second before opening the door and sitting in the car. He wipes his face and sniffles but Jun doesn't ask, doesn't even say hi. All he does is press the gas and head towards home.

The next few minutes pass by in silence and in no time they're back at Jun's place. The older boy parks the car in the garage and they get out at the same time. Eve is at the door waiting for her son, but as soon as she sees Shaun with red face and teary eyes, she shuts herself up. All she can do is shake her head and sit back down on the couch, continuing her sudoku puzzles while scratching the ginger cat.

The dust floats in the air as the two boys lay in the older one's bed. The door is shut tight, but will probably be opened by Gary during the night. But all they need is just a moment of peace, just a moment of alone time.

Shaun is pressed against the wall and they're both staring at the ceiling. Only the night lamp is on, making a dim light cover the room with its warm hue. The blinds are open, letting inside some of the light of the streetlights. 

A sob escapes his mouth and he sniffles gently.

"I hate you," he says. Jun furrows his eyebrows. His voice is soft and nasal. "I hate your voice. I hate your face. I hate your scent. I hate your personality and how nice you are. I hate everything about you."

"What do you hate the most about me?" Jun asks out of curiosity with a quiet voice. 

"...The way you make me feel." Jun turns his head to look at the younger boy and Shaun does the same, looking back at Jun with sparkling big eyes.

"Then you'll hate this," Jun says as he turns on his side and leans closer gently, closing his eyes slowly and placing his lips on Shaun's slightly opened mouth softly. His lips are so full and wet, soft, small.

Jun pulls back when Shaun doesn't reply to the kiss at all. Just keeps staring at Jun with a dumbfounded look on his face. A deep shade of red takes over the older boy's face and he looks away immediately, still leaning on his arm. He can feel Shaun's eyes gazing at him.

"...Are you using me... in a vulnerable state?" Shaun asks with a soft voice but Jun starts shaking his head.

"No, I didn't meant to- I mean I'm sorry I don't know-" 

"Do it again," Shaun says. Jun turns to look at him again, seeing the younger boy's eyes sparkle. And he leans closer again, until their noses touch, until their hot breaths land on each other's faces, until they have molded their lips into one again. It's so soft, so sweet, so tender and so slow. Shaun replies back timidly when turning on his side as well. Jun puts his hand behind Shaun's back and starts caressing him gently, feeling him even closer.

Their lips move in harmony, synching perfectly, like it was meant to be. Jun can practically feel Shaun shiver under his touch, his breath getting quicker and his breathing hotter and heavier. When Jun's hand travels beneath the younger one's shirt, the latter immediately pulls away from the kiss. Jun stops moving his hand forward.

"That... was my first kiss," Shaun explains and Jun takes the hint. He takes his hand away from Shaun's bare skin from beneath his shirt. 

"That was my first kiss... with a guy, too," Jun says awkwardly, taking a better position to look at the younger one's pink face. 

"I thought you were straight..." Shaun says with a quiet voice. Jun doesn't know what to say to that so he looks the other way while furrowing his eyebrows. He lays back down on his back and combs his hand through his hair, sighing deeply. Shaun keeps staring at him. "Are you using me?"

"You have to get over those trust issues," Jun huffs but immediately regrets it when thinking back to what kind of brother the boy has. He closes his eyes and rubs them while grunting. "Mmh. Forget it."

Shaun doesn't say anything, just lays on his back and stares up at the ceiling.

"I wish I could forget everything about it," he says quietly.

"Can I ask you something? About your brother..." Jun asks. They lay close to each other, their shoulders grazing each other. The ceiling is white.

"Yes."

"Is he nice?"

"No."

"What does he do?" Jun asks, now hearing the younger boy swallow. A moment of silence.

"He bullies me." Shaun sniffles and wipes his cheeks once.

"How?"

"...He... tells me to do his chores and if I object, he simply... punishes me for disobedience, as he so often says..."

"Why would he do something like that?" Jun wonders, but Shaun shakes his head.

"I don't know. He's always been a bit... you know... emotionless. Even when he hits me it doesn't feel like it's out of anger. It's more like... putting me in my place. Discipline, if you can call it that."

"It's not your brother's job to discipline you. What did he do to you today?"

"He... tied me up in my closet. He does that sometimes." His voice keeps getting quieter. Jun's eyes scan the whole room. His heart is beating out of his chest.

"Why would he do something like that?"

"...Because I stand up for myself. Because I'm not the way he wants me to be."

"That's unfair. Everyone should be able to be themselves," Jun says philosophically. "As long as they don't hurt anyone, of course. Or maybe it can hurt a little, but all good things hurt a little."

"What good hurts? It shouldn't hurt if it's good," Shaun huffs, wiping his eyes again. He now turns on his side again, staring at Jun. The older boy can feel his gaze burning on his skin.

"...When you like someone, it hurts, doesn't it? But at the same time it feels so good."

"...I know." Now Jun turns to look at him. Shaun's eyes are glistening and he has an innocent and broken look on his face, like somebody had just shattered him into pieces and he's waiting for someone to make him whole again.

Jun isn't the right person for it and he knows it. Only Shaun doesn't know.

"...What does your father do about your brother?" Jun asks. Shaun blinks slowly.

"...He hits him back. For hurting me," Shaun says. "I used to always run up to Dad whenever Jack hurt me and he would always comfort me and tell Jack that what he did was wrong. But Jack never seemed to understand. He just stood there, glaring at me, ready to make me pay for telling Dad."

"That's fucked up."

"Jack is fucked up. Dad started hitting him only a few years ago when... we became distant." He looks away now, sniffling. He wipes his nose and lets out a broken sob.

"Why did you become distant?" Jun asks. Shaun's hair is on his face cutely, those grey eyes peeking from beneath them. Face a little red, eyes a little swollen, lips a little parted. 

"I just didn't want him to be so close anymore. I wanted to stand up against Jack on my own."

"How's that gone for you?" Jun asks and Shaun shakes his head.

"Why do you have to ask such tough questions?" Shaun asks. "Then why are you depressed?" Jun furrows his eyebrows.

"There's no single reason for why I have the diagnosis. I was bullied for the entirety of primary school, if that's what you're asking." Shaun's eyes widen and he glances at Jun but then looks away immediately. "So when you started saying stupid things to me to try to provoke me, I was genuinely scared of you."

"...Are you taking it out on me now?" Shaun asks with a shaky voice. Jun rolls his eyes.

"I took it out on you once I started to stand up for myself. When I told myself that I'm not going to deal with your bullshit. I was scared of you at first, but it was obvious that you were lonely and hurt and took it out on anyone. So..."

"...So you thought I was pathetic," Shaun says.

"...I thought you were weak," Jun says.

"You don't have to try and spare my feelings. I can take it."

"I thought you were needed to be taught a lesson. By... bullying you back." He almost reaches for Shaun's face but immediately pulls away, afraid of touching the fragile boy the wrong way. "I'm... sorry. For making you cry then. By calling you by a name you didn't want to be called."

"Dad and Jack always call me that."

"Is that why you got so emotional about it?" Jun asks and Shaun nods. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be."

"I made you feel like shit."

Shaun stays silent. He rubs his eyes before closing them. Jun keeps staring at him, his small lips that are puckered and his sharp jawline. 

"...You can stay the night," Jun says.

"...Good," Shaun mumbles. "I don't wanna go home."

"I get that. Have you eaten anything?" Jun asks and Shaun shakes his head. "I'll bring you some."

He goes to the kitchen to make Shaun and himself sandwiches. Of course he would eat in bed and let Shaun eat in his bed as well.

But as soon as he comes back into the room, the younger boy has already dozed off and the giant ginger Gary has come to cuddle with him.


	7. AK-47

A heavy weight drops on Shaun as he's trying to sleep in during the sunny Saturday. And, Halloween.

He tries to cover himself with the blanket but is immediately dropped into reality when he feels a cold blade against his cheek. His eyes fly open and he gently turns his head to see his big brother straddling him, holding a knife in his hand. He has a gentle, sweet smile on his face.

The beating of his heart picks up the pace as he thinks about all the possible outcomes of the situation. Surely this is the moment his brother is going to kill him. He's told Shaun so many times that he's going to do it.

Eyes as wide as plates, staring at the ones that never showed any emotion in them. It's all fake.

Jack leans a little closer, pressing the knife against his cheek harder so that it makes a small wound. Shaun doesn't move even an inch, his body is rigid as he stares at his brother and blood starts moving away from his face. The world starts spinning, everything turns hazy.

"Happy Halloween," Jack says gently and at that moment Shaun wakes up from his trance. Adrenaline rushes through his veins and he kicks his brother away from himself, onto the ground, and runs out of his room as quickly as possible. He tumbles downstairs, making a beeline towards the door, not even checking if his father is home, sipping coffee at the table like he usually is in the morning.

Only with blue pyjama pants and a sleeveless white shirt on he starts running towards the house he knows his salvation is in. He doesn't look behind, he doesn't look around - only forward. He does not wear shoes nor does he wear socks. The rocks beneath his feet like stepping on legos during a trip to the toilet at night during childhood, but he doesn't mind any attention to the pain.

And as soon as he's at the house, he starts banging on the door. Soon the small boy is opening it up with a coffee mug in his hand, surprised to see Shaun standing behind it. He blinks a few times slowly.

"Can I use your shower?" Shaun asks when finally having the courage to take a peek behind his back. His brother did not follow him.

"Okay if you tell me what's going on," Jun replies as he lets the boy in.

***

As soon as Shaun has taken a shower, the boys sit at the table and drink some coffee. Shaun threw up in the shower but doesn't tell Jun anything about it, just accepts the coffee and the sandwich Jun has prepared for him.

They sit at the table in silence. Jun's hair is greasy again, his face has pimples, his eyes are swollen and he keeps holding his head like he was hungover. He's wearing a black t-shirt with a cat print on it and fittingly it's filled with ginger cat fur. He has some grey pyjama pants and comfy slippers. He offered Shaun one of his biggest t-shirts and it fits him just right. It's white and also has a cat print on it.

"Okay, so, your brother woke you up with a knife on your cheek," Jun says. Shaun nods as he takes a sip of his coffee. "So you ran all the way here."

"I didn't know what to do or where else to go, I didn't know if he was gonna kill me or not," Shaun says. He can't stop shaking his legs. "Can I stay here for the weekend?"

Jun looks at him from under his eyebrows. They look so void of emotion, like blackholes.

"If you can bear with the fact that I want to die and smell and look like shit, then yes."

"I think you always look good," Shaun says absentmindedly. Jun does something that could replicate a smile in return.

"If you can put up with me then you can visit anytime. Though, I can't promise I'll be able to put up with you. So I'm sorry if I start spacing out sometimes."

"We don't even have to talk. I can just rub your cat," Shaun says and it's like magic, it's like Gary understood they were talking about him, because he comes to them immediately and starts meowing  _ so loud _ that their ears almost ring.

"Jesus. I'll feed you, stop torturing me," Jun says when walking over to the closet with the cat food and pouring some for the poor cat. Shaun doesn't know why it was so funny, but he starts laughing uncontrollably but trying to hide it. In turn it makes tears rush down his face. "Last night he woke me up three times, so excuse me if I look like I haven't slept. Every time he just wanted to get in or out of my room."

Shaun looks at them with admiration in his eyes.

***

"I'm so gonna kill you!" Shaun screams when tapping the R2-button of his controller, trying his hardest to shoot Jun's character with an AK-47. Jun has the upper hand, however, since he's played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 way more. When Shaun dies for the nth time, he almost throws the controller out the window. Jun pushes him slightly while laughing at him, before Shaun stands up and starts shaking him by his shoulders.

And that is when they have to stop playing. After countless death threats. After telling each other a million times how much they hate each other, especially on Shaun's end.

Instead they start playing Borderlands where they are on the same side instead of trying to kill each other. And after Shaun is again about to throw his controller out the window, someone rings the doorbell.

"Could you get that?" Jun asks.

"This is your house," Shaun rolls his eyes. Jun looks at him with his red, swollen eyes. He looks like he hasn't showered in days, which is true, and he definitely looks like he cannot be bothered with people right now... or most of the time, for that matter. The younger one sighs deeply, stands up and goes to the door. There's a candy bowl sitting on an end table in the hallway. Shaun takes the bowl, opens the door with an irritated look on his face and wants to murder the children while handing them the bowl without saying a word. He just looks at them with furrowed eyebrows. The children look up at him with big eyes, taking only a few sweets before saying thank you and leaving.

Shaun goes back to Jun's room to find the boy laying in bed with his gigantic cat lying on his stomach. The tension on Shaun's face eases as he looks at the two.

"So are we done gaming for today?" Shaun asks.

"I feel... post video game depression," Jun says when soothing his cat. "The high when playing is so nice. Plus I like to kill time. But... the feeling after it is sometimes a little... well, this."

"I know. I feel it too," Shaun says when sighing, walking to the bed and sitting beside the older one. He keeps staring at the two, smiling at the cat before scratching him behind his ear. He loves it.

Once he looks back at Jun, he notices the latter staring at him intently. His eyes are dark, face void of emotion, but it still looks like there was something lingering. He blinks slowly, like Gary always does, and swallows dryly. And for a while they do nothing but stare at each other. Every part of Jun is perfect to Shaun.

"You know I... really liked kissing you," Jun says and smiles faintly. Shaun's whole head becomes red and he looks away, hiding his face. He starts smiling uncontrollably. "Who knew the biggest bitch in school would be so cute behind closed doors."

"Stop it," Shaun says and tries to hide his smile.

"You like it," Jun says. "I don't understand why. Why would you... like to be around someone like me."

The younger one turns to look at him, now with a more serious look on his face. "I don't know. I hate you but I like you."

"That's problematic."

"I am."

"You know... My mom's going to visit my aunt after work, so we have plenty of time before she comes home," Jun hints. Shaun blinks a few times blankly, his breathing getting quicker as he looks at the cat lying on the older one's chest. Jun takes the hint, moves Gary aside while apologizing and the giant ginger cat letting out a meow in protest. Shaun straddles Jun's lap, making the latter surprised. His feet are dangling off the bed, his head in an uncomfortable position against the wall. He raises up to sit and starts fondling the younger boy in his arms. His muscular thighs and skinny waist, the firm butt from all that exercise, those biceps that have toned after years of playing basketball...

Shaun caresses Jun's face gently. None of the imperfections bother him. And it's weird, because they would bother him if they were on his own face. He would be bothered if he hadn't showered in days, but for Jun it's alright, because there is just  _ something _ about him that lures Shaun in, makes him want him, makes him want to be his...

And there is something about the way he touches him, so gentle and sweet, and something about being like this with him, so intimately, makes him feel warm inside his chest. He doesn't dare kiss him, doesn't dare to touch him, all he can do is stare at him, caress his cheeks and feel his own face starting to burn. His heart beats out of his chest, stomach is in knots and blood rushes down as he feels the older boy's hands all over him. It's so sweet.

It's weird, just a moment ago he wanted to murder him. Jun was indifferent all the time.

"Why are you like this so suddenly?" Shaun asks.

"The way you make me feel... makes me feel alive," Jun says and smiles awkwardly. "Can I kiss you?"

Shaun nods a little and inches closer, lower, so that Jun can actually touch his lips with his own. Jun's hands are on the other boy's waist, Shaun is holding his shoulders, and for a moment Shaun doesn't know how to function. So he just is there.

Jun pulls away when the younger one doesn't kiss back. Shaun hangs his head low.

"If you don't want to, then you should just say so," Jun says. "I'll ask clearer next time."

"No, it's not that- I'm just- I'm- sorry-" Shaun says when hiding his face.

"You're nervous?" Jun asks and Shaun nods. The older boy lets out a gentle chuckle as he caresses the other one's hair. "It's okay. Do you want me to give you a hickey?"

Shaun raises his head a little to look the other boy in the eyes. He just drops all these questions like he was experienced with this stuff, like it was all casual. It's not casual to Shaun. It's just terrifying.

"I promise I won't bite. I'll just kiss your neck. I promise it'll feel good," Jun says.

"...Okay..." Shaun says with a faint voice. "But... I wanna lay down..."

"Then lay down," Jun says and Shaun does just that. He didn't realize before that he's half-hard, but now that he moved and realized it, he's trying his best to hide it. Thankfully Jun doesn't seem to notice... or simply doesn't make it a big deal.

He lays down on Jun's bed, placing his head on the pillow. Jun leans on his arms as he hovers over Shaun, their torsos pressed against each other. The boy on the bottom tries his hardest not to faint when their faces are inches away from each other. 

When Jun leans down to kiss Shaun's neck, the latter feels shivers down his body and tenses up immediately. He bites his lips and holds Jun tight, caressing his back as the older one's lips graze his skin, his tongue licking gently. It's so wet and warm and it makes Shaun so red. His whole face is on fire and he lets out a soft whine when Jun continues, holding him tight. He kisses up his neck to his jaw and finally kisses him on the lips softly. At this point Shaun has let loose enough to kiss him back, caress his face and pull him closer.

Before they even notice it they're moving in synch, just enjoying each other's touch. Shaun's heart feels like it's beating out of his chest and once he starts thinking again, he starts freaking out about the situation he's in right now. He dreamed of being Jun's baby and now it's finally happening - of course, he has to freak out.

He stops kissing back, Jun takes the hint and pulls away, staring at the boy beneath him in the eyes as he lifts up gently. Shaun looks up at him with teary eyes before his cheek is pinched and a warm smile is directed at him.

"Do you want to do something more?" Jun asks. 

"I- Well- As long as our clothes stay on," Shaun says. "I... haven't... before..."

"I know, I know. Don't worry. I won't do anything you don't want me to," Jun says. "Just tell me no if you don't want it. Do you promise to do that?"

Shaun nods his head gently. Jun parts his legs slightly.

"Can I come between your legs?" he asks. Shaun scrunches his face a little. "Okay. Do you want me to touch you?"

Shaun swallows dryly and sits up a little. "D-d-do y-you want to touch me?"

Hearing his shaking voice makes Jun smile sweetly. The admiration in his eyes is evident and Shaun swears no one has ever looked at him that way, with such a want to please him. He scrunches his nose and it makes Jun chuckle.

"I want to be closer with you. I want to feel you. Because it makes me feel, too." 

"How does it make you feel?"

"Warm."

"Where?"

"Everywhere," Jun says as he lands a gentle kiss on his neck. "If you want me to, just say it."

"I want you-" Shaun says with a shaky voice, his whole body trembling. "-closer to me."

"Okay," Jun says. "I'll be closer."

He leans in to kiss him again, before landing on his side, leaning on his arm and traveling his right hand all across Shaun's body. Shaun's legs are folded and a little parted.

"Wait," Shaun says when sitting up. "I don't- want you to see my face."

"Are you ashamed of me looking at your face?" 

"I'm just ashamed of myself," Shaun says. He feels lightheaded. Jun smiles at him, sits and moves the pillows against the headboard. He sits against the pillows, opens his legs and motions Shaun to himself. The younger one is iffy about it at first, but then he sits in his arms, laying his back against Jun. The older one immediately kisses his neck. Shaun takes his left hand in his, holding it tight as Jun's right hand goes down his chest, his stomach, and finally his crotch. He palms the bulge gently and Shaun lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Jun keeps kissing his neck gently and Shaun keeps caressing his hand, letting out small sighs and finally he closes his eyes.

It's quiet. Only the noise of the traffic and Shaun's sighs fill the air until Jun gently utters a question, "Do you want to cum?"

"O-okay."

"Can you? Like this?"

"I-I... think..."

Jun holds him a little tighter and palms him a little quicker, kissing his neck a little rougher. Shaun's body trembles more and he lets out a soft moan, not knowing he was even capable of letting out such a  _ small and cute _ noise out of his mouth. It makes him feel ashamed yet good. He feels so small in Jun's arms, so warm and protected, just like he's always wanted to be.

It doesn't take long for him to cum, with soft and gentle moans and his body twitches a couple times so Jun knows to ease down.

Then they just lay there for a couple minutes, in perfect silence, listening to each other breathing. Shaun is about to fall asleep right then and there, but he has to clean up the mess from his pants. Just the thought of getting up makes him feel terrible.

When he finally musters up the strength to sit up, he notices that they were sweating profusely during that little session. Now he's cold and feels disgusting.

He stands up without saying a word, walks to the bathroom and cleans himself up. After that, he just stares at himself in the mirror. His hair is messy and his face is so red and swollen. How could Jun even like him? Maybe he doesn't.

It feels surreal that he just experienced that. He can't think about what just happened and look at himself at the same time, so he goes back to Jun's room. Gary is waiting outside the door, looking at Shaun expectantly. He also looks like  _ he knows _ .

Shaun lets him in. He goes back to bed where Jun is still laying and looking like the most frustrated person alive.

"Why do you look like that?" Shaun asks.

"Because I'm- so confused," he says. Shaun sits on the bed, on his other leg while facing the older boy.

"About what?"

"My sexual orientation."

Shaun chuckles. "Don't think about it." He snuggles against Jun's chest. "Just cuddle me. Let's not think about anything."

Jun caresses Shaun's hair softly as the younger one listens to his heartbeat.

"I've tried not to think about it. For the past... four years? And mostly it's been fine. Mostly I haven't really felt attracted to anybody. But now..." he sighs and sits up. Shaun takes a little distance so that the older one can lay down and they can cuddle each other. Shaun places his head on his chest again, wrapping his arm around his body as Jun holds him ever so sweetly. "How did you know?"

"I just-" he's about to say when Gary jumps on them, demanding to lay between them. They both laugh at it when the big ginger cat meows lowly. He has to settle with laying on Jun's thighs now. "I just knew. I've always liked boys."

"Wow. What a concept," Jun says and sighs deeply. "I wish I knew what I want."

"I don't know what I want, other than you."

"Isn't that sweet."

"I hate you," Shaun sighs. 

"I hate you, too," Jun says, but seems to feel the opposite as he keeps caressing Shaun's hair, making him also feel exactly the opposite.


	8. Your Heart

Jun is laying on his cousin's bed, his feet in the air, staring up at the ceiling. Being with Chanyeol is always the same - Chanyeol is not paying attention to him, he'd like for Jun to be anywhere else, and the feeling is mutual. Unfortunately they are obligated to see each other sometimes because they live so close and are related... and their mothers are very close. Of course they want their sons to be close as well.

Chanyeol is sitting in his chair, his hands on his knees as he stares at his cousin with a blank face, mouth in a thin line. Jun lifts his head and looks at Chanyeol upside down, the older cousin readjusting his eyeglasses.

"How's it been with Shaun?" The bully Jun bullied back. Somehow Chanyeol is obsessed with him, every time they talk it has something to do with Shaun. Maybe it's because Jun is the only person standing up against him.

"Yeah... about that... I kinda made him cum on Halloween," Jun says nonchalantly, looking at his cousin straight in his eyes. Chanyeol's face flushes and he looks disturbed.

"You... did... what...?" he asks as if he didn't hear. 

"You know, I palmed him and he came-" Jun describes, circling his hand in the air as to demonstrate how he touched Shaun. Chanyeol shakes his head and flails his hands in the air, closing his eyes so tight that he couldn't see what his cousin just did.

"Yeah I didn't need to know that. But... I... I thought you were..."

"Straight?" Jun asks, laying his hands on his chest. Chanyeol's face is red and he looks at the floor. "I am. I think. I guess?"

"That doesn't sound very straight, unless... he's a she?"

"No, he's very much a boy who wants to be a boy."

"Aaand you were making out with a boy who wants to be a boy." Chanyeol dares to look at him in the eyes for a split second. Jun's eyes are intense.

"Yeah," he replies. 

"And you think you're straight."

"Used to be a man didn't have to label himself after kissing a guy."

"Used to be I thought you were just a hetero who hates homos."

"Turns out it wasn't so much about gays as much as about you being too extra." After saying that Jun grins widely while Chanyeol looks at him with the most unimpressed look on his face, folding his arms on his chest.

"I hate you."

"No, no, no, don't say that," Jun says when sitting up straight and showing Chanyeol the hand, remembering Shaun instantly. "It might almost make me think you love me."

***

After wooing Shaun, the hallways of high school have become considerably less scary for Jun. Whenever him and Shaun lock eye contact, instead of glaring at him, Shaun looks... scared, almost. His eyes are big and pleading. Like Jun was looking right into his soul.

And whenever there's no one around, they might even talk to each other. Shaun is acting a lot different and every time Jun sees his genuine smile, happiness, he feels a wave of pain and guilt wash over him.

Because Chanyeol is right. Jun is straight.

Just as Jun is walking through the hallways alone, again, on this rainy and dark day, he feels someone grab his hand and pull him into the cleaning closet. He immediately realizes by how his lips feel that the person is Shaun. After the small kiss, Shaun keeps caressing Jun's face, giggling and touching his lips, his eyes so beautiful as he smiles so genuinely like he hasn't done in a long, long while.

Jun's heart sinks deeper in his chest. Seeing Shaun so happy just breaks him.

It feels so bad because he could never like him as much. Or as long as he has this disorder, he can't feel the same way about Shaun.

The younger one picks up that something's wrong when Jun isn't kissing him back and being all over him.

"You don't seem so well today," he says with a soft voice, much higher than usual. Jun wonders if it's how he would speak normally if he wasn't such a closet-case. "Is something wrong?"

"I can't do this," Jun says with little emotion, coming off as indifferent, immediately hating himself for it.

"Okay," Shaun replies and lowers his hands on his shoulders. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I mean I can't," Jun starts as he has to break eye contact, "be like this. With you. Anymore. I know I'll hurt you in the end. I hate it that you will always like me more than I like you because of this... depression. I'm not sure what I want, not sure if I like boys or girls or both, and I don't want to break your heart."

Shaun's lip starts quivering. He detaches his arms from the older boy and his eyes get red. When Jun looks up at him, he bursts into tears, furrowing his eyebrows and his gentle, happy face is replaced by immediate sorrow. He hits Jun's chest a few times and it hurts.

"You already did! You used me! Fuck you! I hope you get run over by a truck!" he yells as he keeps hitting Jun's chest. Then he just runs away, leaving Jun alone in the closet, both figuratively and literally. 

***

Shaun runs home with tears in his eyes. Teardrops fall down his cheeks, making it too embarrassing for him to stay in school. When he goes inside, his first instinct is to run upstairs to his room. He doesn't even take his shoes or jacket off. The only things playing in his mind are Jun's words and how he wants to cry about it in the bottom of his bed, under his sheets while hugging Mister Bunny.

The door of his room flies open as he makes his way inside, almost jumping on the bed before seeing his father sitting on the edge of the mattress, holding Shaun's laptop and reading something from it with furrowed eyebrows. 

Before Shaun can turn and run away as fast as he can, his father grabs his jacket and stops him in his tracks. Shaun bites his lips and tries to prevent the sobs coming from his lips. The last thing he wants is his father to see him weep.

"Why are you home?" he asks and pulls Shaun closer to himself. Shaun tries to get him away from himself, but the father steps in front of him and closes the door. He grabs Shaun by his shoulders and tries to make eye contact with him, but as soon as they're face-to-face, the son hides his face and bites his lip harder. "Did something happen?"

He tries to detach the hands from his son's face but it's like they were glued in place. Shaun can't keep the snot in his nose however, so he has to sniffle and worry washes over the father at that instant. He caresses Shaun's hair and tries to console him in any way possible.

"Hey, what happened? Why are you crying?" he asks but Shaun raises his head and looks at his father dead in the eye. He clenches his fists and his mouth forms a thin line.

"It's none of your business! You always make me cry so don't act like you care!" he yells. His father grabs his arms and leads him onto the bed, so that they both sit on it. Shaun hides his face again, sobbing in his palms. "Why were you on my computer?"

"Why are you acting like an 18-year-old 5'3 white boy on the internet and talking to college students?"

Shaun hides his face even more. He cries harder and his father wraps his arm around him, soothing him gently. It's been years since he showed this kind of affection... or years since Shaun accepted it. He's too embarrassed of himself to react in any way.

"...You're nothing like that in real life."

"No shit," Shaun huffs and his father furrows his eyebrows.

"Don't swear. Why would you lie about yourself to older men online?" the father asks with a soft voice and Shaun wipes his nose. "I don't care who you're attracted to as long as you're happy."

"Of course, you never care."

"What do you want me to say?" the father asks and sighs. "Why do you hate me these days? You used to love me."

"Because you don't care," Shaun sobs and hides his whole head, sobbing harder.

"Tell me what you want me to care about."

"Me."

"But I do care about you. If I ask how you're doing you're mad at me and you won't tell me anything. How am I supposed to know what's troubling you? I know something is. I know one of those things is Jack. But I also know that he's not the only thing on your mind." The father stays silent for a moment and watches as Shaun cries into his arms. His whole body is trembling. The father draws circles on his back. "So please tell me."

"...E-everything... Everything is wrong..."

"Why?"

"B-because... i-it just is..."

"Would it be easier for you to write it down?" Shaun nods. The father stands up and looks for a notebook and a pen. He hands them to his son and takes some distance to him, to give him space to write down everything he wants.

Shaun hates being sentimental, but at the moment he's so broken that he will accept affection from literally anyone, even if that person is his father who has been distant for the past few years. He writes down that he used to like Tim and that Tim knew and told everyone. He hands the notebook back to his father who reads it with furrowed eyebrows.

"So that's where the rumors come from?" the old man asks and Shaun nods. "It was very unfair of him. He shouldn't have done that."

Shaun leans against the wall, crosses his arms and sniffles. His father also leans against the wall and they sit beside each other for a moment.

"I'm worried about you sometimes," the father says. Shaun wipes his snot. "And I'm sorry if I come off harsh sometimes. I really just want what's best for you."

Shaun takes the notebook back in his hands and his tears stain the paper as he writes down a question: then why does his father say all this nasty stuff to him? 

The father reads the question with clear discomfort. His eyes shift between the notebook and the son, a sigh escaping his lips.

"I've just been irritated. So much so that I haven't really cared about how you've felt. I'm so stressed about everything and sometimes I just wished you could take care of yourself. Maybe I didn't want to think there's something wrong. I just wish... you could have a normal life... and a normal family..." Shaun curls up into a small ball and cries hard against his knees. After doing that for a while, he takes back the notebook and writes down, 'so you don't care about how I feel'.

The father takes a moment to reply. He can see that Shaun is withering under his gaze and just wants somebody to love him. His father just hurts too much right now.

"I do care. Sometimes I just don't know how to show it. And, you know, I've got my own problems... I can't think about you all the time."

The father wraps his arms around Shaun, but the son takes his distance. Shaun keeps sobbing against his knees, thinking about Jun, his father, Tim and his other friends, Jack... Everything is so messed up and everyone has let him down.

"Sorry. I should have asked permission first... Could you tell me... why you're crying?"

Shaun shakes his head.

"Okay. You know you can tell me anything, Shaun?"

Hearing that makes Shaun stop crying for a second. He takes the notebook in his hand and tears drop on his hand and the paper. 'You said Shaun.'

The father smiles at him gently, though he doesn't see it.

"It feels a bit weird... but... if it makes you feel better... then I'll do anything." Shaun is certain that his father does this just because his son's crying and his paternal protection instinct kicks in.

Shaun writes down a request that he hasn't had the courage to ask for in years.

'Come to my basketball game.'

"I thought you didn't want me there," the father says when reading the note. "But... if you want me to... then of course I will." Shaun nods his head a couple of times. "Can I hug you now?" Shaun waits for a moment to think about whether or not he wants his father's affection. Of course, he misses it, but it's just so painful.

He nods slowly and the father puts his strong and protectful arms around his son, making Shaun cry harder if possible. He turns to his father and presses his head on his shoulder, grabbing his clothes and sitting there for minutes.


	9. A Sickness

Shaun stands in the middle of the gym, looking at the audience. He recognizes Tim's parents who look at him from head to toe with judgement. Shaun doesn't blame them. He would judge himself too. He sees Ken's parents come in because Ken seems so excited to see his father. The two big men wave at each other with big smiles on their faces. The mother waves too. She's a bit smaller, but also the curviest woman Shaun's ever seen.

It makes him think of his mother. If she was here, she would definitely root for him. He should visit her soon again. She had long blonde hair that was always tangled and she always looked tired. Still does, but Shaun hasn't visited her in months again. Sometimes they write to each other.

But then again, if she could come to his game, then he would definitely not admit that the woman in the orange jumpsuit handcuffed and sitting beside a police officer was his mother.

The game is almost starting and Shaun hasn't seen his father come in despite his father's promise and him keeping a close eye on the door and the audience. When the game is about to begin, the tall, skinny and tired-looking asian man runs in, panting. Thankfully there's still a lot of commotion in the gym so that nobody notices him. Except Shaun, of course. His father tries to look for him with his eyes and as soon as their eyes meet, he smiles. Shaun keeps staring at him with a blank expression as he rather awkwardly goes to find a seat. Tim's parents are glaring at him as well and the father just simply waves at them awkwardly.

The game doesn't go so well. Shaun keeps running into people and one time a guy almost knocks him out. His father was then about to jump from his seat and run over to his son, but thankfully Shaun wasn't affected by it too much. He was soon running after the ball again.

But Jun was the only thing bouncing inside his head. His gentle touches and his depressed face. It's been two weeks and Shaun would love it if someone held him the way Jun did, cared about him the way Jun did, made him feel like Jun did.

He doesn't score once, but helps out with one. The other team wins and everybody is grumpy. Shaun goes straight into the shower, smacks his head against the wall and sighs deeply, letting the hot water drip on his body. His eyes are closed and suddenly he feels a rush of cold air hit his body as the showercurtain opens. Behind it is the most beautiful latino boy Shaun has ever seen. Slightly taller than him, curly black hair and beautiful brown eyes that just scream generosity.

He's not going away so Shaun glares at him. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Would you like some company? I heard from Tim that you like gu-"

"Piss off," Shaun grunts. The guy shrugs and checks Shaun out before going away, closing the curtain. He just looked but it made Shaun feel so vulnerable in the wrongest way possible. He doesn't want anybody to hold him the way Jun did  _ right now _ \- they have to have a deep emotional connection first.

Like him and Jun did.

He comes out of the shower, puts on his clothes and goes back to the gym where his father is waiting for him. He smiles gently but Shaun doesn't even look at him. He feels like he's going to cry again from just thinking about how wrong everything is and how bad the game was.

At the moment he doesn't even care if anyone sees. He hugs his father and leans his head on his chest. The father gently wraps his arms around him too.

"Lets just go home," Shaun says. Even saying those words made him almost tear up. His father lets go of him and grabs his shoulders, pushing him slightly away and trying to look him in the eye. The tears are about to drop.

"Not so fast. You look down. How about we go somewhere to eat? I'll buy you an ice cream." Shaun looks up at him reluctantly with his big grey eyes. His father smiles at him gently. The son nods then. Then they go outside to the father's car, with the older man's hand on his son's shoulder.

Shaun is sure that if he raised his head, everyone would be staring at him.

***

The father let Shaun pick the place, and of course Shaun picked the MacDonald's near their place. That way Shaun could run home fast if he couldn't bear being around people.

Once they take a step inside, Shaun sees Chanyeol at the cash register. He keeps staring at the boy who becomes seemingly anxious upon Shaun's arrival.

"I'll order for us if you hand me the money. Just go find us a booth," Shaun says to his father who seems to accept his offer. He gives Shaun 20 dollars and goes to the farthest booth next to the window. It's getting cold outside, snowing for small periods of time until the small layer melts again.

Shaun can't wait for snow. Running in the cold freezes his lungs so right. If he's lucky, he'll get a flu and doesn't have to go to school for a week.

He walks over to the cash register, looking at Chanyeol with a smug look on his face. Chanyeol fakes the most desperate customer service smile he possibly can as Shaun walks over.

"How's it going, four-eye?" he asks. Chanyeol bites his own lips.

"What can I get you?" he tries his hardest to maintain his composure.

"I didn't know you work here. Is it because your parents disowned you after they found out?" Shaun asks and sees Chanyeol visibly fuming. The latter raises his head slowly and opens his mouth.

"You know... Jun and I tell each other everything."

"10 McNuggets, big fries and a 1.5 litre coca-cola," Shaun says as he gives Chanyeol the money, not thinking anything further.

"Anything else?" Chanyeol asks and Shaun shakes his head, staring at the table. "Okay. Here's the change and here's the coke. I'll bring your order to your table."

Shaun doesn't say anything, just takes the receipt, two carton cups and the number Chanyeol hands him so that he can bring their meal to the right place. Then he walks over to his father who's playing with his brand new Samsung smartphone that he bought for a little over 200 dollars. He even got new smartphones for his sons since he had a raise.

Shaun sits before his father and looks outside immediately. The father keeps looking at him, his eyes worried.

"We need to talk about something," he says as he pours them both some coke. Shaun keeps looking outside with an irritated look on his face. He can hardly even stay put, hands shaking and mind filled with fog. "I know that you hurt yourself. The nurse called... I'm sorry I haven't noticed before."

"It's none of your business." Suddenly Shaun remembers what Eve said about this matter. That he should tell his parents. But his father already knows, what's more to tell?

"You're right, it isn't. But the last two years have been hard for all of us. It would bring me some closure if you told me why."

"Why not? You've been acting like a total prick towards me, Jack threatens to kill me every day, I hear you yelling at him and hitting him every week, my friends don't want to be with me, everybody hates me, I'm fucking lousy at basketball, I'm failing classes and I kissed a boy for the first time and it feels like I love him but he told me that he can't be with me because he's depressed and straight-"

After getting all that from his chest, Shaun rests his head on his arms on the table, feeling the tears burn behind his eyes. He sniffles a few times until he feels his father's hand on his hair, caressing gently.

"Well that was... a lot," the father says. "Do you have any friends?"

"Well... Ken... But I treat him like shit too."

"You should probably... treat him better. If you want to keep him around."

"I fucking know that!" Shaun says, raises his head and looks outside again. He hears footsteps coming their way. Chanyeol brings their meal and Shaun makes sure that they don't make eye contact. 

The father starts eating the fries and takes a nugget as well.

"Eat some. If you want to go home, let's just take these with us."

"...Is Jack home?" 

"I think he is by now."

"Then let's stay here..." Shaun sighs, leans on his hand and starts eating the fries one at a time.

"I don't... know what to do with you. Both you and Sejin."  _ His name is Jack _ , Shaun thinks to himself. "I'm worried he might have something a little more serious wrong with him."

"Yeah no shit what made you think that way?" Shaun asks when looking at his father with furrowed eyebrows and red eyes. The father looks down.

"I've always thought it's because you're brothers... You know, siblings can be rather violent towards each other."

"He should be fucking over it by now..."

"Let's talk about something else," the father says and looks up at his glaring son. The father wipes Shaun's tear sliding on his cheek. Shaun cannot help but think about how lousy his father is at talking. "What about the boy? Who you kissed?"

"No."

"Okay, then. School?"

"No."

"Your friends?"

"No."

"Uhm... What do you want to talk about?" Shaun sighs and leans on his arm, eating a fry and looking down at the table as a few tears slide down his cheeks.

"Why don't you care about me?"

"But I do. Here I am trying to pick up a conversation with you but you don't want to. I'm trying my hardest but sometimes you're just insufferable."

Shaun stays quiet. He looks down at the table as his tears drip on the surface. Soon he feels his father's hand on his head, patting gently a couple of times.

"Hey. It's gonna be alright. I love you. I'll try to be better at caring about you. I didn't want to admit that you have a problem, but... you know... after getting a call from the school nurse and hearing about you, I think I'll call a psychiatrist. They'll know what to do. It's gonna be okay."

Shaun quickly raises his head to look at his father in shock.

"A ps-psychiatrist? B-b-but I'm not crazy."

"Most people are mentally ill sometimes. It's not permanent. Shannon used to have rather bad anxiety and her side of the family has all sorts of personality disorders..."

Shaun hides his face and starts sobbing. His father's paternal instincts kick in hard so he changes the side of the booth in order to hug Shaun and pat his head gently. It makes the son slightly uncomfortable, but knowing that Chanyeol cannot see them from there and there's not a lot of people here at this hour makes him calm down a little. Being in his father's arms also feels nice.

"Shh... It's gonna be okay..."

***

Despite the two acting like they didn't even exist in each other's lives anymore, Shaun and Jun are still friends on Facebook. Jun keeps looking at the younger boy's profile picture. It's just a black and white photo of his own lips, chin and chest that shows their school's hoodie. He changed it recently.

Jun contemplated sending him a message every night. Shaun is online, now would be a great time to apologize, maybe ask him over, maybe tell him that Jun has finally come to the conclusion that he's bisexual and that he wants to try it out with Shaun, even if they didn't end up in a relationship.

But how could Shaun interpret it without thinking that Jun is using him? Shaun obviously wants something more and Jun isn't entirely sure he wants to be that 'something more'. He's more into casual relationships that don't mess up his feelings. He hasn't even been able to study for the past two weeks.

Just as he's about to send Shaun a message, him and Chanyeol's chat pops up. Jun blinks a few times and reads a million times what Chanyeol just said.

_ Chanyeol: I saw Shaun and his father at work today _

_ Jun: so? _

_ Chanyeol: I finally told him off!  _

_ Jun: um? _

_ Chanyeol: He was starting to pick up on me but I told him that you and I tell each other everything and he became so embarrassed!  _

_ Jun: okay... good for you _

_ Chanyeol: Tomorrow me and Baekkie will show him.  _

Jun reads that sentence a few times over and over. If that means what he thinks it means...

_ Jun: how about don't? _ _   
_ _ Jun: you told him off, he's not gonna harass you anymore _

_ Chanyeol: Are you defending him? _ _   
_ _ Chanyeol: I'm your cousin. _ _   
_ _ Chanyeol: You should be on my side _

_ Jun: im not on anyone's side _ _   
_ _ Jun: shaun's just been through a lot _

_ Chanyeol: Well so have I! And it's a lot his fault!  _ _   
_ _ Chanyeol: It is about time I took action _

_ Jun: now when youve already got him?  _

_ Chanyeol: You don't get it, Junmyeon, you would never get it. _

_ Jun: i was bullied too _ _   
_ _ Jun: so yeah, i get it _

_ Chanyeol: And still you are defending a bully! Even if he left me alone, he won't leave others! _ _   
_ _ Chanyeol: Tomorrow. We'll show him. _

_ Jun: chanyeol please dont _

But Chanyeol is already offline and Jun starts hitting his head. Why does he always have to do damage control? And worse, he has to see Chanyeol tomorrow.

***

Shaun would never beat up anyone, but just seeing Chanyeol alone, looking at the hallways with big eyes and those big eyeglasses sets flames in Shaun's fists. He wants to fuck him up. He's always cuter, he even has a boyfriend, he's so good at school...

So Shaun walks up to him and just stares at him with blank eyes. Chanyeol is seemingly uncomfortable with this.

"How the hell did you get a boyfriend?" he asks and it makes Chanyeol visibly confused.

"I-I can t-tell everyone what you and Jun did-"

"I'm just asking you a question," Shaun says as he tilts his head. "Don't you wanna help me out?"

"No. I-I don't."

"It's funny, how you're still afraid of me despite, you know, your boyfriend acting tough to me at the start of the semester, and you knowing all this stuff that Jun has told you about me," Shaun explains. "How much has he told you?"

"Well... What you two did together. Th-that's it..."

"That's it?"

Chanyeol starts walking further along the hallway, to a place that no one can see into. Shaun just follows him.

"Y-yes."

"What if I don't believe you?"

"Th-then you have to ask Jun."

"Nah. Fuck that."

As soon as they come to the end of the hallway, Shaun freezes as he sees Ben walking towards him. There's something seriously wrong with that boy, Shaun sees the lack of emotion in his eyes and he takes steps back. He tries to keep him composure - Ben is smaller than him, Shaun could easily fuck him up if he wanted to, right? Piece of cake.

"You've crossed Chanyeol one too many times," Ben says with a cold voice. Shaun bites his own lips. He's never been in a fight before, maybe this time he would...

"So? I'm not afraid of you."

"You should be. I thought last time was enough, but apparently you're as dumb as you look."

"I could fuck you up-" Shaun starts but then Ben pushes him loud against the wall. He's much stronger than he looks, and he knows just where to kick to make Shaun fall on his knees and look up at Ben with big eyes. He's not angry, not sad, not happy - he just is.

The face he makes reminds Shaun of Jack whenever he punishes him.

_ "I'm not bullying you, Shaun. You just bothered me. This is a punishment... And if you tell Dad, I'll punish you again. And again. And again..." _

At the same time it feels like he gets some weird pleasure out of this but it also feels like he just doesn't care. He does this because he has to protect Chanyeol, even if it meant beating up Shaun.

Shaun wonders if Ben is the same as Jack - the kind of person who plucks a butterfly's wings and then holds the body under water until it dies, just for his own amusement.

When Shaun looks over at Chanyeol, he sees that the boy is  _ smiling _ . 

"If I wanted to, I could break every bone in your body," the older boy says. Shaun just sits on his knees and looks up at the boy who keeps staring at him with that blank expression. "If I really wanted, you wouldn't see the light of day again."

Shaun starts shaking and crying. Those are just the words his brother has told him. Every day he fears for his life. He hides his face and sobs but Ben doesn't seem to have any compassion for him. He grabs Shaun's hands, forces them off his face and grabs his collar, raising his fist as to hit Shaun who tries his hardest to squirm away.

"Baekhyun!" Jun's voice echoes in the hallway and he runs over to Ben, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him away from Shaun. Ben blinks a few times while looking at him in the eye before turning to his boyfriend and stomping towards him.

"Baekhyun?" he asks and Chanyeol grins awkwardly, scratching his neck.

"I-I can explain-"

"Explain it to me in private," he says when dragging his boyfriend away from the scene.

Jun kneels before Shaun who's shaking and crying, holding his chest and trying his hardest to breathe. Jun grabs his shoulders and tries to shake him back into reality, but Shaun is too afraid. Jun simply sits next to Shaun, wraps his arms around the younger boy, rubs his back and hushes him.

"I'm sorry, Shaun," he says. "I'm so glad I found you before they could go any further."

Being around Jun again makes Shaun both tense and relaxed - his mind is full of irrational thoughts, but at least the fear goes away gradually. All he can think of is that he wants Jun to hold him like this forever and never let go.

"Are you okay?" Jun asks.

"No," Shaun says.

"What did he do?"

"He just reminded me of Jack."

"Oh... Well he is a bit scary," Jun says and caresses Shaun's hair gently. The younger boy raises his head to meet the other one's eyes and they look at each other painfully before Jun has to break eye contact. He looks like he hasn't showered in two whole weeks. Shaun is still unable to find it unattractive. "I think we should talk."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"But there is," Jun says, his voice shaking a little. "If you'd like to be with me again, I'd love to. I've been self-reflecting a little and... you know, you can't fix me, I don't expect you to, and I can't fix you, it's just impossible. But being with you... every moment is just a little easier to handle. I feel like you're the only person I've let this close to me emotionally since... forever. The things I've let you see about me are things that not even my friends know."

"Is this just another hoax to play with my heart? I won't fall for it again."

"No, this is different. This is... that I like you. I like you a lot and I've never felt this way about... anyone, really," Jun says while looking at the ground, Shaun's expression now softening a little.

"...Like me?"

"Yes. I like you. Even if we wouldn't end up in a relationship, I still want to be with you."

"So... are you apologizing?" Shaun asks. Jun sighs and turns to look at Shaun with a defeated look on his face.

"Fuck that," he says and Shaun smiles a little while tears still stream down his face before grabbing his shoulders. He leans a little closer and Jun gets the hint, leans closer and finally seals their lips together softly, gently, kissing him ever so sweetly. The kiss doesn't last very long and after it Shaun doesn't look him in the eyes, just lays his head on his shoulder, takes his hand in his and laces their fingers together. They don't say anything, don't do anything, and the students walking past them don't bother them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I completely forgot to update yesterday! I'm so sorry! I was playing sims all weekend (like literally, over 20 hours orz).


	10. AR-15

Hands fidgeting around his sleeves, trying to hide that they're shaking. They always are. Shaun takes a look around the clinically white room and sighs deeply. The slightly chubby school nurse is smiling at him sweetly, propping her eyeglasses a little better.

"How have you been lately, Shaun?" she asks. The boy just looks at the ground. "I'm sorry for calling your father and telling him what we talked about last time. I was very worried. Did he say anything about it?"

"He did," Shaun says, trying to make his hands shake less.

"What did he say?" 

"That he'll take me to a psychiatrist."

"That's good. You need professional help. Is your father able to pay for it?" she asks and he nods. Last time she found out that Shaun hurts himself in the most creative ways after asking many times and Shaun finally giving in, Eve's words still playing in his mind. She knows nothing about Jack, though, and he intends to keep it that way. "I'm glad. I promise everything's going to be okay. You know you can always come talk to me, alright?"

Kate is the polar opposite of every woman Shaun has ever met. The most significant woman in his life, his mother, is a big and strong white woman with a tough nature. And most of his female teachers have also been rather annoyed at him. Kate reminds him more of a preschool teacher than a school nurse at a high school.

Shaun nods gently. "Thanks."

"I know you're a good kid beneath all that emotional baggage. You've gone through a lot. It must be hard not having your mother around."

"How do you know that? What if I'm just a horrible person through and through?"

"I don't believe that. It's easy to see the good in you in conversations like these," Kate says and when Shaun looks up at her, she smiles sweetly. "How's it been with your friends?"

"It's... fine. Jun and I didn't talk to each other for two weeks, but he apologized and now we're back together. All my other friends aside from Ken have left me..."

"But you have those two. Are you close?"

"...I feel like Ken is with me out of pity. And Jun... Well, Jun..." Just saying his name makes Shaun smile a little as he looks at the table. He starts shivering even more. Kate has a knowing grin on her face.

"Do you like him?"

"...Yes."

"What do you like about him?"

"...Everything. I like everything about him."

"Sometimes people just have the right kind of pheromones to find each other attractive and it doesn't take a specific reason. I sincerely hope that this Jun can make you happy, because you deserve it." Shaun keeps staring at the table, thinking about Jun. He talks to Kate for 40 minutes straight, about his life, his father, his mother and his studies. For these three times that he has talked to her about how he's doing, he has felt a little better after each meeting. Unfortunately he has to stop seeing her as often as soon as he gets real psychiatric help. Maybe he has missed personal female influence in his life. 

***

Shaun and Jun meet again in the library to study together. These days their public displays of affection have become so notable that some people have started to stare, some even ship them. They definitely get looks in the hallways.

Unfortunately every time Shaun isn't with Jun is the worst time to be alive for anyone, really. His teammates really don't like him for acting the way he does and his classmates wouldn't touch him even with a long stick.

But every time he's with Jun is bearable. Jun is trying his hardest to make him understand biology. Shaun's father is still strict about his grades that need to go up, so he tries his hardest to comprehend whatever theory Jun is explaining to him without results.

Studying in the library is just an excuse to go out and spend time together without irritating Eve. Of course, once she leaves for her night shift, the boys are going home. 

"So, do you now understand what DNA means?" Jun asks. Shaun shakes his head and smiles widely. "The change in your behavior since September is very drastic. You fucking hated everything."

"I still hate everything. Except you," Shaun elaborates. Jun looks at him with half-lidded bored eyes. Shaun just lays his head on the table. "So... you'll just have to be with me all the time so that I'll be a bearable person."

"Trust me, I won't be a bearable person if I can't have my cup of isolation every week."

Shaun pouts at this.

"Okay, okay," Jun gives in. "If you just don't say anything while you're around me, it feels like isolation but as soon as I start to feel too numb and lonely, boom, you're there."

"See? Everybody wins," the younger one chuckles. Just then he looks past Jun and makes eye contact with a pair of black, dark, emotionless, empty eyes staring back at him from the other side of the library. Jack is staring at him with those two black holes and anxiety starts squirming in Shaun's insides. "Do you wanna know who Jack is?"

Jun blinks a few times in confusion before hesitantly looking over to where Shaun's eyes are pointing. There he sees the older student staring at them intently with a blank face. Jun feels shivers go down his spine.

"You do look similar," he says. "But he scares me."

"Me too."

"Let's just go to my place."

"Sure," Shaun says and they pack their stuff in less than a minute. When they're done, Shaun looks behind himself once to see his brother still staring at them, not even pretending to read the book in his hand.

***

"I'll kill you," Shaun says when tapping the X-button of the controller so hard that it makes Jun concerned for his property. He's at least a little calmer.

And when Jun again wins a match, Shaun almost throws the controller out the window but Jun takes it from his hand quickly.

"I hate you!" Shaun huffs and crosses his arms. Jun raises his eyebrows and sneaks up behind Shaun to hug him, kissing his neck.

"Do you really?" he asks while sliding his nose against his sensitive skin. Shaun whines. Jun kisses his neck again, moving down to his shoulder and arm until he kisses his hand. Shaun is only wearing a tank top and skin tight jogging pants so he leaves little to imagination. He leans against Jun's chest and is soon held by the older one like a baby. 

Soon their lips are against each other, Shaun turning in his lap to climb onto him and cup his cheeks to pull him closer, out of breath. Jun slides down from his lips, to his neck, nibbling on it to leave marks that show everyone who he belongs to.

And in the rush of the moment they're already on the bed, Jun on top of Shaun, sliding their hands together and lace their fingers. He raises Shaun's shirt to unveil his defined muscles, touches his biceps and then slides his hands up and down his sides.

When Jun's lips touch the younger one's stomach, the latter immediately pulls away, sits up and hugs himself in the corner of the bed, hiding his face in his knees. Jun blinks a few times, dumbfounded about what just happened. He thought everything was going smoothly. Whenever he's done this with Ana, she's just liked everything and even begged for more. Perhaps he shouldn't compare Shaun to Ana.

"...I'm sorry? Did I cross a line?" Jun asks. He pushes his own hair behind his ear to see the younger one better. Now he realizes that Shaun is shivering and a sob breaks through the air. He sits next to the younger one and for a moment they're completely silent, the older one just staring at the wall, feeling his chest sink in. "Talk to me."

Shaun doesn't talk. He just sobs. Even Gary comes into the room, sensing that something's off as he jumps on the bed, purring and meowing at Shaun who finally takes a peek. He sees Gary blinking at him slowly and he reaches out to pet him. Jun smiles a little sadly at the view.

"You're the best boy, Gary," Jun says and pats the cat as well.

"I'm sorry," Shaun sobs.

"You don't have to be. It's me who should be sorry. I should've asked permission." 

"And I should be able to at least make out with you without having a breakdown," Shaun says with a shaky voice, crying against his knees. Jun caresses his hair gently to let him know that everything is alright.

"You have every right to have a breakdown."

"You'll never love me," Shaun says and now cries harder, hiding his face with his hands and sobbing violently. Even Gary doesn't help.

"That's not true. For the little while I've gotten to know the real you, I've come to love you more than anybody else I've ever met."

"...Really?" Shaun sobs. "But I can't even let loose enough to... do this..."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Shaun. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to with me. All you gotta tell me is to stop." Jun places a kiss on his head and he looks up to see Jun's loving, half-lidded and depressed eyes. Somehow his face doesn't look as emotionless as usual. "You have every right to feel good."

"...But I'm afraid that... if I tell you to stop... you don't wanna be with me," Shaun sniffles a little and Jun closes his eyes, tilting his head a little.

"I'm not with you because I want in your pants. I'm with you because I actually like you," Jun says calmly. "And, you know, I have lines that I don't want you to cross either. Like, I'm really not into piss."

That makes Shaun laugh and sniffle at the same time. He stares up at Jun who smiles gently, wiping the tears off Shaun's face. Jun opens his arms as to invite Shaun to snuggle with him, and Shaun does exactly that. He jumps in his arms, leans on his chest while Jun leans against the headboard. Gary wants in on the fun, so he comes to the other side of Jun.

Shaun grabs Jun's shirt and closes his eyes, feeling sleepiness get the best of him. Crying is tiresome. Jun's hand pats his hair and their free hands find their way to each other, linking their fingers together. Jun presses a kiss on his head.

"Can I ask you something?" Jun asks. The younger one nods slightly. "What happened to your mother?"

"...She's in prison." Jun stares at the wall for a while, opening and closing his mouth trying to find the right words.

"...Has she been there for long?"

"Long enough to be absent from my life. I visit her sometimes, of course, but... not very often."

"Why not?"

"We grew apart. And... every passing day I see Jack in her more and more."

"So you don't like to see her because she reminds you of Jack," Jun reflects and Shaun nods, grabbing Jun's hand a little tighter. He yawns once and Gary does so too, making Jun's heart feel soft. 

Shaun looks up at Jun and the older boy looks down, making the other one laugh. Shaun pokes his chin and laughs at it. From this angle it looks like he has a double chin and at the moment it seems to be the funniest thing the younger boy has ever seen.

"I like you so much," Shaun says. Jun boops his nose with his finger and smiles.

"I like you more, baby."

"Baby," Shaun tries the word on his lips. "I like that."

"I'll always call you baby, then." Shaun smiles sweetly before looking back down, hugging Jun's torso and closing his eyes. Jun takes his controller from the nightstand and sighs before starting to play Oblivion. Shaun opens his eyes every now and then to see what Dark Brotherhood quest he's doing at the moment, but his eyelids feel heavier with every passing second. 

It doesn't take long for Shaun to fall asleep while laying against Jun's chest, and the older boy's thighs feel like they're on fire when the cat and the boy both lie in his lap. Seeing Lucien Lachance hanging from the ceiling mutilated feels a little less painful now. He lowers his head a little sometimes to breathe in the sweet vanilla scent of Shaun's hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I forgot to update again and yesterday the site wasn't working for me...


	11. A Knife

It's almost Christmas. Snow is falling from the skies and the air is chilly. Shaun is in the bathroom brushing his teeth when he hears the door creak open. He quickly spits out the toothpaste from his mouth and turns around to see his brother just staring at him. The same blank expression on his face as two weeks ago when him and Jun were in the library. That's what he's been doing for the whole December.

Shaun isn't sure if he has something in mind for Christmas or why he's being the way he is. Either way, it terrifies him.

He goes back to his room, closes the door and puts the lights out. In the pitch black darkness the door opens and the light comes in from the hallway. He sees his big brother's figure. Jack invites himself in, closes the door after him and walks over to Shaun. He kneels before him and they make eye contact in the dim light. The big brother starts caressing his hair and hushing him.

"Good night, little brother," he says in his poor Korean. "I love you."

Then he presses a kiss on his forehead and leaves the room.

Instead of finding any comfort in his brother's actions and words, Shaun is sure that that was his goodbye for him. 

***

The next day Shaun is in his room, chatting with Jun. It's Saturday and he's thinking of leaving home soon, just to spend the rest of the weekend with Jun. He knows that his father and Jun's mother don't like it that the two are always in Jun's room, but Jun insists Shaun to come over and Shaun doesn't want to be home.

_ Shaun: r u here _

_ Jun: ofc, where else would i be? _

_ Shaun: idk, playing video games like you always are _

_ Jun: bold of you to assume that i wouldnt drop everything just to talk to you _

_ Shaun: ... _ _   
_ _ Shaun: pls _ _   
_ _ Shaun: you ignore me often _

_ Jun: no i dont! how dare you accuse me of something like that _ _   
_ _ Jun: come over and i swear to give you lots of attention <3  _

_ Shaun: <3 _ _   
_ _ Shaun: idk if dad lets me _

_ Jun: it will be our secret _

_ Shaun: how long do you think it takes until dad comes over to your place and takes me home _

_ Jun: imagine if our parents got together _ _   
_ _ Jun: we would be step-brothers _

_ Shaun: first, gross _ _   
_ _ Shaun: second, ive never seen dad with an asian woman _ _   
_ _ Shaun: third, what the fuck?????++ _

_ Jun: what? im just thinking hypothetically _ _   
_ _ Jun: so? are you gonna come over? now? _

_ Shaun: sure. i'll come over _ _   
_ _ Shaun: lemme just slip into something comfortable :) _ _   
_ _ Shaun: last night something weird happened. i'll tell you when i get there _

_ Jun: oh _ _   
_ _ Jun: well _ _   
_ __ Jun: me and gary are waiting

Before Shaun has any time to reply, his brother come in his room. He's holding something behind his back. Shaun turns to look at him and immediately starts shivering, backing away. Jack closes the door slowly.

"This isn't easy for me, Shaun," he says as he walks a little closer. He moves his hands and shows that he's holding a kitchen knife. He places it on Shaun's desk. The little brother's heart is going haywire. He is completely immobile from fear as he stares at every single little movement his brother makes. "But you did something that I don't like."

"So? I don't have to do things your way. If you hurt me I'll tell Dad."

Jack grabs his collar and throws him on the ground, making him groan. He crawls backward on the ground before Jack kicks his crotch as hard as he can. The pain radiates to Shaun's whole upper body and he hugs himself, but his brother keeps kicking him despite his desperate whimpers and cries.

Jack crouches next to him. He plays with Shaun's hair a little and dries his tears.

"I thought they were just rumors. That you like boys. But then I saw you. With that tiny Asian boy. Hmm. I don't understand what you see in him. He looks like he doesn't know what personal hygiene means and his face looks uninterested. Looking at his face I can tell he isn't all right in the head. Am I right?" Jack asks as he tilts his head. He grabs Shaun's hair.

"...H-he's... depressed..."

"Why do you like him?" Jack asks and Shaun keeps crying against the floor. "Do you want his dick?"

When he doesn't reply, Jack hits his crotch, making him cry out and trying to hide his lower body.

"Hmm. Don't worry. I'll make you a girl," Jack says with a low voice and forces Shaun to lay on his back. The little brother's eyes widen in horror and he tries to squirm away from him but Jack is gripping him firmly, throwing in punches to bruise his face and then standing up and kicking him.

Shaun rolls over to his back and tries to stand up and crawl towards the door, but Jack grabs his waist and just holds him in place, watching his desperate attempts at escaping. Shaun collapses on the ground, his vision blurring with tears and dizziness from the pain.

Jack grabs his hair and holds him against the floor.

"It's amusing. Watching you trying to get away from me. You never ran up to me and hugged me. You've never been happy to see me. But you always liked Dad so much. I don't mind. I like it when you're afraid to see me. I like it when you don't know what I'll do to you next. I like seeing the fear in your eyes and when you have a breakdown whenever I cross a line. You know, you look amusing when you burst into tears. I've learned so much from you."

Shaun is crying his eyes out at the moment, just hoping that their father comes home soon. His own phone is on the bed so he doesn't have the slightest chance to make his way to it and call 911... or Dad.

When Jack goes to pick up the knife, Shaun stands up with the little strength he has and makes his way to the door, but as soon as he reaches the knob, his brother throws him on the floor and he lands on his hand. A scream leaves his lips and he cries harder, now making his way to his bed as Jack walks towards him slowly with the knife.

"I'm doing you a favor, Shaun," Jack says. Just then the door flies open and the father steps in, successfully taking the knife from Jack's hand and knocking him down. He makes his way to Shaun and helps him on his feet.

"I've called the police already. Go to the car. Now."

Shaun walks out the room with the little strength he has, holding his stomach. He walks the stairs down slowly and goes into the car, sitting down at the front seat. He leans his head against his knees, tears dropping on his sweatpants. He keeps holding his stomach and wincing in pain. Everything is a blur.

He hears sirens of the police car come towards their house. The police go inside and take Jack out, dragging him from his arms. The father talks to the police in a rush before running to the car where Shaun is observing the situation unfold.

"Are you okay?" the father asks as he comes inside, immediately starting the car. "So, they're taking Sejin to the police station and I will take you to the hospital. After that, I'll go to the police station. You don't need to worry about anything, okay? He won't touch you ever again."

Shaun's world starts becoming more and more hazy as he looks at his father who drives out yard after the police car. He feels his father's hand on his cheek and hears his worried voice before passing out.

***

As soon as Shaun wakes up, he throws up on the floor. He's cocooned in a warm blanket and is in a white space where walls are replaced by curtains. His father snores away on the chair, his arms wrapped on his chest and legs crossed.

When Shaun sits up and starts crying in his hands, the father wakes up. He stands up immediately and sits down on the bed right next to Shaun, taking him in his arms and consoling him. He draws circles on his back.

"I'll go tell a nurse that you've woken up," the father says but as soon as he stands up, Shaun grabs his clothes and demands him to come back next to him. "I will be back in just two minutes, okay? I won't leave you alone."

He cries harder when his father leaves, but he comes back with none other than Eve. She's the last person Shaun wants to see right now. He hides his face. The father sits next to him and hugs him, the son hiding his face in his neck.

"Hello, Shaun," Eve says with a serious tone in her voice. 

"You know him?" the father asks. 

"Hasn't he told you?" she asks as she starts making sure that everything is alright, doing some basic tests on him.

"Told me what?"

"My son is the boy he's been seeing," Eve says, again thinking little about how Shaun feels about this. "I'm very sorry about what happened to you, Shaun. You don't deserve this."

"I-I wanna go home," Shaun whines.

"Don't worry. You can go home after the doctor has come here to prescribe you your meds. Your father can pick up the meds for you and you from the infirmary. Remember to drink lots of water, eat regularly and have lots of rest. You need it. And if you want me to, I'll tell Jun."

"P-please do."

"Okay."

Eve smiles at Shaun gently before walking out with some samples. The father hugs Shaun close, but tries not to hug him too hard as to not hurt him. Shaun keeps crying against his shoulder, the events of last night playing in his head.

"It's gonna be okay."

"...Wh-what happens to Jack now?" Shaun asks with a shaky voice. The father hums gently. His voice is shaking as well, his eyes are glossy and red.

"He's going to jail now. They're going to evaluate him psychologically. They'll want your statement somewhere along the lines, but that can wait. Don't worry about it. He will probably end up in a mental hospital. He will probably have a restraining order."

"To me?" Shaun asks and the father nods. Shaun lets out a sigh of relief. He's so glad that he doesn't have to see Jack ever again.

"You don't have to see him ever again."

Shaun grabs his father's clothes and cries hard against his chest. The father hugs him tighter, his arms have never felt as protective and warm. 

"I'm so sorry about everything."

"Y-you don't have to be."

"It's just us now. Me, you and your... boyfriend," the father says when ruffling his hair, making Shaun huff.

"J-Jun isn't my boyfriend..."

"Oh," the father says and laughs a little, but he has to sniffle. Shaun parts from him a little to see his eyes and notices that his father is weeping. He wipes his tears and after that he wipes Shaun's tears and pinches his cheeks, smiling sadly.

"I've never seen you cry before..."

"Sorry," the father says before taking Shaun back in his arms. "I just have a lot of regrets. And I love you so much."

"...I love you too," Shaun cries when pushing his head against his father's neck again, waiting patiently for someone to tell them that they can leave.

***

Jun presses the refresh button of his browser for the nth time today, just to see if Shaun has replied. He knows that it doesn't really help, that's not how Facebook messages work, but he's dying to get a new message from Shaun. He said he would come over, but he hasn't talked to him in 30 hours. 

Gary comes to his room and meows at him lowly. Jun turns around in his chair and opens his arm, to make way for the giant ginger cat to jump in his lap. The cat senses that something is wrong, so he's calm. Jun sighs deeply as he pets him.

Maybe a good session of Fallout New Vegas will help to clear his head. It's Sunday, so he will at least see Shaun tomorrow at school... as long as nothing has happened to him. Maybe they're spending too much time together suddenly. Or maybe something bad has happened? He's dying to know, but despite trying to call Shaun fifteen times, the younger isn't picking up.

After getting to play Fallout New Vegas for only an hour, there's a knock on his door. His mother opens the door and looks at him sadly. He quicksaves, opens the menu and turns to his mother, petting the cat in his lap like an evil villain.

"Hey, sweetie..." she starts as she walks closer and sits on the edge of his bed. "Come here, okay?"

Jun sighs deeply, takes the cat in his arms and lands him on the bed before sitting down. His computer is humming loudly. Eve looks at him sadly and then rubs his back.

"Why do you look so serious? What happened?" Jun asks. His face looks uninterested.

"Well... I saw someone at work today," she says and his eyes immediately widen.

"In the hospital?" She nods. "Was it Shaun?"

"Yes. It was Shaun. I asked him if I could tell you and he said yes."

Jun's heart almost skips a beat. He looks around the room, his hands visibly starting to shake. It feels unreal.

"What happened to him?"

"I don't know, but he had some very bad injuries, like he was beat up. Him and his father were both very emotional."

"It was his brother," Jun says and shakes his head. "It must have been. He's told me that he scares him and that he hurts him sometimes."

He stands up quickly and she stands up as well, taking his hand in hers.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To check that he's okay."

"You should give him some space now. His father will take care of him. He will reply to you when he's ready."

Jun sits back on the edge of his bed. He hides his face in his hands and sighs deeply, thoughts swarming around Shaun and how he's doing. He would do anything just to be able to see him right now and hold him.

Just then he realizes something.

He hasn't felt the need to protect someone in a long, long time. Tears rush down his cheeks at the realization and the streams don't seem to have an end. Eve wraps her arms around him and hugs him tight, pressing her head against his.

"I love you," she says and Jun only cries harder. Not because he's sad, but because he feels so much. 


	12. ...I'd kill you

Shaun takes another piece of chocolate in his mouth as he snuggles against his father better. He leans against his shoulder. Moving any limb of his body hurts. His father readjusts the blanket on them as they sit on the couch, covering their toes from the cold. They're watching an E-rated movie together, something light-hearted to take Shaun's mind off things.

It has now been a day since he came from the hospital and he has glued himself onto his father all that time, not even telling Jun anything that has happened.

Right in the middle of the movie, Shaun asks his father, "How do you feel?" The father takes a moment to reply, still trying to take a good position. They're both wearing pyjamas but Shaun feels cold. His father is warm.

"...Disappointed and... ashamed... for not getting Sejin treatment before this happened," he says with a deep sigh, taking a piece of chocolate in his mouth. Shaun raises his feet on the couch to crawl into a small ball on his father's side.

"...I didn't want him to be a psychopath either."

"Well, we don't need to worry about that anymore. It's just you and me now. And you're safe here."

"Dad?"

"Hm?"

"Can we get a cat..." Shaun asks with a small voice. He misses Gary. His father only chuckles. "Preferably a Maine Coon..."

"Do you want to have a cat?"

"Yeah," Shaun says. "Jun has one and he's big and fluffy and so friendly too..."

"Maybe a mixed one, but I won't pay a thousand dollars on a cat."

"Any cat is fine..." Shaun gives in. He would love to have a cat like Gary, but life is long. He'll get a cat like Gary one day in the future. He has never had any pets, since the father was scared of what the older brother might do to them. Now that he's out of the picture, the house feels empty... and safe.

"Do you wanna tell me something about this Jun?" the father asks and turns to look at his son with a slight smile. Shaun blushes.

"...Y-you heard Eve..."

"What is he if not a boyfriend?"

"Uh... a boyfriend-to-be?"

"Really?" The father raises his eyebrows. "When will he be your boyfriend?" 

"Uh... when he's ready to commit?"

The father furrows his eyebrows and smiles gently before ruffling Shaun's hair. 

"As long as you know what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing..." Shaun huffs. "...Can I go see him? Like now?"

"Why don't you ask him over?" the father suggests. Shaun scrunches his nose before realizing that the only reason he didn't want Jun over was because of his big brother. Now that he's out of the picture, there's no reason he couldn't come over.

Except that Shaun wants to see Gary, and it's highly unlikely that Jun will bother to bring him here.

"...I could..." Shaun jumps up from the couch and limps to his room. Seeing everything just the way Jack left it makes him shudder. It's a good thing his father let him sleep in the same bed with him. Of course, they kept a good 3-feet gap between them, but still, having anyone present in the same room with him was enough for Shaun. Maybe tonight it could be Jun.

He takes his phone from his pocket and finds Jun's contact. He takes a deep breath as his hands shake when he calls him. He hates making phone calls, but he knows it's the only way to get Jun's attention immediately.

The phone doesn't ring for long.

_ "Shaun?"  _ Jun immediately asks.  _ "Are you okay?" _

"No," Shaun says. "Can you come over?"

_ "Yes." _

"Good," Shaun says and Jun hangs up. He looks at the screen a little dumbfounded. Jun is just busy trying to get to him.

He walks back to the living room where his father immediately opens the blanket for him. Shaun latches onto his father's side and hides himself under the blanket, raising his feet on the couch to hug them. The father rubs his back calmly.

"Well that didn't take long," the father chuckles. Shaun rolls his eyes.

"At least we'll keep the phone bill cheap..." he sighs. "Don't embarrass me."

"What? I would never," the father says as he turns to look at Shaun with a smile. "Seriously, is he not your boyfriend?"

"No," Shaun says with his eyes half-lidded and mouth in a thin line. His father shrugs and turns back to the TV.

They sit in silence, just eating the sweets while waiting for Jun to arrive. Shaun's stomach is in knots, he's anxious to see Jun again. He's not sure how he'll tell him, but he will.

When the doorbell rings, he hurries to open the door. The father just stays there on the couch.

Jun is standing outside with a worried look on his face that becomes even more worried when he sees how Shaun looks. The younger boy grabs his hand and drags him inside in silence.

"Hello," the father says and raises his hand for the boy. Jun raises his hand too but can't say anything when he's being dragged away.

When they're in Shaun's room, Shaun forces him to sit down and sits right next to him. They sit in silence for a while, just looking at each other and the floor alternatively.

"...It was my brother," Shaun says finally. Jun slowly puts his hand on Shaun's. "He... beat me up. And now... he's in jail."

"...Wow. That's... horrible," Jun says. Shaun smiles gently and nods quickly. It just makes him dizzy and his head hurt more. The smile quickly turns into a frown and tears burn behind his eyes. Jun wraps his arms around him and pulls him close.

"...He... said he'd... make me a girl..." is the only thing he says before hiding his face and crying. Jun pulls him closer if possible, and then down on the bed so that they can cuddle each other. Shaun rests his head on Jun's chest and grabs his shirt, closing his eyes. Jun's hand is playing with his hair softly, making him feel slightly better. "I... don't like being in this room..."

"...Do you wanna go somewhere else?" Jun asks and Shaun shakes his head.

"I'm too comfortable now..." he chuckles. Jun's chest jiggles a couple times. It feels funny and indicates that he chuckles inaudibly. "...But I miss Gary..."

"Gary misses you, too," Jun says. "You know if you want, you could come live with me for a while..."

"I don't think Dad would like that very much."

"We won't ask him. You like laying in my bed with Gary, I like playing games, everyone wins." Shaun chuckles again and presses his face closer to Jun's chest. 

They're silent again. Shaun sniffles every once in a while but that's all. The door is open because Shaun doesn't trust being in this closed off space anymore. He needs to have his Dad around. The noise of the TV carries into the room as they lie in each other's arms.

Shaun would do anything just to have that every day. Jun's arms around him every day, every night, whenever he needed it.

He almost dozes off before Jun speaks again.

"I like your sheets. They're cute." Shaun's sheets are just blue and white squares.

"...They're not," Shaun laughs.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because that was obviously sarcastic..."

" _ You're _ obviously sarcastic."

"I love your sarcasm."

"Shaun," Jun suddenly says in all seriousness.

"Hm?"

"Do you want to talk about... what happened? With Jack?" he asks and Shaun immediately shakes his head.

"...I just want to forget everything..."

"Okay. I'll make you forget about everything," Jun says, "if that's what you want."

"I do."

Jun keeps caressing his hair and holding him tight. Shaun's eyes close and he feels overwhelming sleepiness take over him. It's probably the fact that the pain kept him from sleeping last night...

***

When he wakes up again, Jun is still holding him. His hand is laying on his head and his other hand on his shoulder. He raises his head that hurts a little to see the older boy just staring at the ceiling. When he sees Shaun's head moving, he lowers his head to see him. Shaun smiles tiredly and pokes his double chin. Jun exaggerates it after the poke.

The noises of the TV are still flowing in. Shaun sits up slowly and Jun does so too, holding Shaun in place so that he wouldn't fall in any direction.

"...Dad..." he says quietly and Jun stands up while holding Shaun.

"Do you need something from him?" Jun asks and Shaun shakes his head.

"...I want you to meet him," the younger one says as he looks up at the other and smiles. Jun squints and shakes his head.

"...Why?"

"...Because he kept asking about you... Maybe he has a... you know... a crush on you..." Shaun says and starts laughing out loud. Jun looks at him with an unimpressed face and mouth in a thin line.

"Ha-ha."

Shaun gets up with Jun's help and they walk to the living room to the father who's still laying under the blanket. Shaun walks over to the drawer in the living room and pulls out Uno cards.

"Do you... want to play...?" Shaun's father asks and the boy nods quickly with a wide smile on his face.

"Oh... The true friendship breaking game," Jun says as he sits down on the couch. Shaun sits right on his side. 

"It's gonna break before it's even going to form," the father says. "My name is Yongsoo, by the way."

"Junmyeon. But, just Jun is fine."

"Okay, Just Jun."

"I hate you already," Jun says to the father who grins mischievously. He turns to Shaun. "I see where you got your sarcasm gene from."

Shaun smiles at him widely and Jun cannot stop thinking about how similar they look. Before he can think about it more, Shaun starts dealing the cards. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's done. Thank you all for reading this far. Now that we're all in self-isolation, you could maybe read more of my stories...
> 
> And to keep you all from getting too bored, I've written an original character story. Since it's not fanfiction, I won't be posting it on this site, but I will post the first chapter of it next weekend. If you like the way I write and you're into this slowburn romance stuff between two teenage boys, then you'll love the story of Rune and Valerico, the fanfiction author and his reader. :)
> 
> Follow me on Wattpad or on Tapas. My username on both is Nate Kauko.
> 
> Ps. Don't worry, I won't stop writing seho. :)


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